Dear Anita,

It  has been about a month since I last spoke to my parents, and I had a feeling that around this time I would write to you/feel the following.

Like you said, as time goes on, and I become social, there will be certain people who don’t understand the decision I made, and make it a point to insert their opinion.  This happened on Saturday, we were at brunch with old friends of mine (married couple).  Towards the end of the hangout, my friend made it a point that when we have kids, we are going to want my parents around.  That it may not seem like it now, but I will, and that my parents will perhaps change and compromise.

I did handle this quite well, I was firm, yet open in the way I was speaking.  However, the point of the story is that it left me feeling uneasy.  For the rest of the day I felt, best word, unsettled.  Now, this was not unsettled about my parents, or anything about them – nope.  It was that familiar, uneasy, unsettled anxiety feeling.  The feeling of being anxious about everything and nothing at the same time – just a general state of distress.

Interestingly, I had not felt this exact feeling in over a month.  This makes sense to me, the events after I made that decision were quite severe.  I took it all in, took a hiatus to speaking to many individuals, and had acceptance of the decision.  Yet, real life did not change, my baseline anxiety in life did not all of a sudden disappear, normal life stressors did not all of a sudden improve.  Of course.  And so here I am back to a feeling of baseline anxiety.  I am not mad or surprised.  I by no means was foolish in the sense of , if I delete my parents from my life, all of my problems will be gone.  Nope, on the contrary, as you say I found that it was just the beginning of the “real work.”

I will say though, this anxiety after the conversation with my friend feels like a waste.  It is useless.  Well I guess isn’t most anxiety a waste of our precious mental wellness and energy.  I do recognize that, but I do feel suffocated by it.

I also see how, as I alluded to before, anxiety does not sit in well defined compartmentalized boxes.  So after having a general feeling of uneasiness after an event of conversation, that anxiety will find a way to seep in and saturate other events, or find its home in new places (many of which were anxiety free).  I found this happening today.  As you know we are amidst a very large decision about moving across the country.  In recent times, we have thought long and hard, compared and contrasted, and are undergoing more interviews.  This by nature is a very exhausting and overwhelming process at baseline.  I found that my generalized anxious state did not help today – at all.  Given that I left that brunch with my friend in that state, I found myself feeling an old feeling: feeling the need to justify and explain myself, and have it be validated.

In the car heading back home, this same feeling then felt applied to the potential move.  I had thoughts such as, so if we move, will people get it, or appreciate what life we are looking for.  The answer is most likely not.  But who cares! Funny how all of a sudden this sort of anxiety is creeping in, but yet even 4 hours prior it wouldn’t have infiltrated a move!

I saw the pattern, and see it now.  You speak to someone who has trouble relating to you, or seeing life your way.  You find you butt heads on topic A, so you probably will on topic B or C.  This does not mean there is a right or wrong, just differences, that hopefully can be respected.  However, I find that with many people, they live uni-dimensional lives, they haven’t really lived outside their comfort zone (mentally or physically) and they are going on in their merry (many times average) way.  Which is fine! I have never chosen to live like that, and especially given the mental struggles I have had to face, my life has been nothing close to mundane.

I find that as I get older it is harder and harder to relate to such friends, although many of them are wonderful at heart.  My friend from brunch fits this category.  I see now that I am not foolish for feeling anxious post brunch.  Even when we were talking about moving to the other coast, she didn’t seem to understand, and made points about how staying close to family is most important.

So now what, don’t talk to people who don’t get me? Well that will sure be a lonely road given that very few people have the emotional curiosity and personal development focus that I (and you, and few others) do.  So I will slowly as time goes on develop confidence in the way I am living now (this new) life, and that will correspond to my actions.

In a month or so if I find a fabulous opportunity for work and home in another location, I won’t feel the need to explain it to others or have it validated – why – because I know what I have in front of me is great.  Because that is agreed upon by myself, by my radar.  We don’t always have this opportunity, and everything isn’t always so fabulous, so often in the grey zone we question ourselves, and we leave the door open to insecurity, wonder, and anxiety.

I am proud to be so open minded, learning oriented, and willing to listen.  Yet, I do see how it comes with a cost.  It is saying, I am not sure about where I will be just yet, let me hear what you have to say – versus, I am not sure, and I’ll let you know when I am.  I appreciate the beauty of two way conversation, listening to opinions/advice, and sharing—-however, perhaps at this state in my life, sharing may not be the best idea.

I found over the last month, the things I cherished was when I had a thought that was new, an epiphany, or a new feeling good or bad, I sat with it, let it sink in, and reflected (or wrote here).  I did this first and foremost.  I see that practice has been disrupted on my end now that I am back to work in overly full force, and interacting with more individuals.  I see how it is easy to lose that deliberate practice of “checking in with me” first when your life is inundated with outwardly people and stimulation.

Knowing this, I will make it a deliberate practice to savor my thoughts, and cherish them, and perhaps even keep them to myself.  Especially when I am uneasy, it may not be the best practice to share (because with that I have to expect I will get opinions, advice and ideas that I may not want to deal with).

I guess what I am getting to is this: right now I have a lot going on, a huge change personally given the parents, a huge decision on the horizon in regards to moving/career/putting down roots, and a large change in my approach to the types of people I want to have in my life.  I must allow time for this, not jump right in.  If it means creating more solace in the busy world I am immersing myself in, it will be deliberate, but important.  If over the last month it worked to ask myself if I am okay first, and see what I needed, then this is truly and obviously what I need.  I should not limit that when faced with other circumstances.  It will be more difficult, but I must try.

I know this is a time of many changes, and anxiety may be inevitable.  I also know that the level of anxiety I have suffered with for a long time, will make this time of change very difficult.  I find I am feeling heavy and stuck.  I know that going back to some of the habits I had prior to “re-immersing” myself will be beneficial.  i have the tools, I just must continue regular practice.

I am proud to have the courage to speak and heal.