Dear abubin:

A summary of your story, just the facts:

You (45) and Debbie (over 40) were born in Malaysia. You still live in Malaysia, married with children. She lives in Australia, married with children.

The two of you started a long distance relationship in June 2017 and had physical intimacy for the first time in September 2017. Her highest priority is being financially secure. Her financial security is in her career and a retirement plan she has with her husband. You had a business that failed and you are not financially able to provide Debbie with the financial security she is focused on having, not even close.

In addition to this, migrating to Australia is not possible for you, at 45 and not having enough money. She doesn’t want to go back to Malaysia and live there. It is possible although very difficult for you to immigrate to New Zealand, for the purpose of you beginning to make money to provide her with financial security there, so that the two of you will be living there, after she separates from her husband.

My input: I understand that, as you shared, you no longer feel any love or physical attraction to your wife, and that there is nothing in your relationship with your wife that is meaningful to you. I understand that your business failed and you are frustrated by the financial/ career stagnation in your life, not having much hope for significant financial improvement in your life, where you live. And I understand that having your children in your life is not meaningful enough for you.

And so, you don’t feel alive, motivated. The only ray of light in your life, the only glimmer of hope, is Debbie. Problem is there is no hope with Debbie. But having nothing else, you hold on to that flickering ember of hope, that little tiny light.

In understanding your relationship with Debbie, one has to include understanding the circumstances of your life that are making you so miserable, living very much in the dark. And so, you hold on to that little star in the sky that is not really there. The stars we see in the sky, many of them are no longer there, gone. But we still see them.

anita