Anita,

Okay. I change my mind. I think it is because I am ugly. I mean, I don’t really know 100% but my mind keeps changing. Whenever I start feeling ugly I start blaming everything on it. But there is still a reason why I think it may have to do with the fact that I am ugly. Yes, outgoing people can be popular and well liked BUT I don’t find it a coincidence that all the popular girls in my school are pretty. Not one is ugly. Why?? I see outgoing girls who aren’t conventionally “pretty” (and may even be seen as ugly) and they’re just kinda disregarded… they have lots of friends (and I notice that the popular girls have lots of friends as well) yet for some reason they are separate from the popular girls. It’s like to be apart of their group you have to be pretty. It’s almost as if they are able to get along because of their looks and because of the amount of guys that go after them. I know looks aren’t everything but in my mind I’ve learned that no matter what I put my mind to.. I can do it. I’ve been able to accomplish anything I have wanted to by simply working hard for it. Yet, this will never seem to work out for me.

This is going to sound really superficial but let’s just say I was super beautiful and people always talked about how pretty I was. Something in me feels like if that were the case, all my problems would disappear. I’d be constantly getting positive feedback from people. People would always say “you’re so pretty” and I’d feel more accepted by my peers. More guys would go after me, which would leave me with infinite options. If I were the hottest girl in the world, I doubt my boyfriend would ever cheat on me because why would he go after an ugly girl if he is dating the hottest one? Now, I know personality plays a role BUT (and this is me sorta going off on a tangent but its important to how I feel right now) once my boyfriend and I went on a break for about 2 weeks and when we got back together I had found out he was trying to go after this model. Like, instead of worrying about getting me back he was too busy talking to/trying to win over this model. Let’s be real, I saw this girl and she had no special personality, especially not one that would attract my boyfriend to her. It was solely based off of her looks. Even AFTER we got back together he would still talk to her (sucky boyfriend, I know) and when I’d ask why he’d say “she’s a model!!” If I were prettier than this “s0-called” model then he should be satisfied enough with me. ALSO once my boyfriend was drunk and told me “I never get pretty girls” which was kinda a slap in the face.

And don’t get me wrong HOT, POPULAR guys have gone after me in the past but let me tell this story as well. So, I was a sophomore in high school and this SUPER POPULAR, ATTRACTIVE junior boy was going after me. I mean, we’re talking the hottest most popular guy in the junior grade. Girls literally swooned over him. Like, my friends would tell me that during lunch other girls would be like “oh my god he’s soooooo hot” (and these were the prettiest girls who were swooning over him). Well, low and behold he thought I was pretty (for some reason, don’t know why). He had no idea what my personality was like either, he just wanted me. But… it wasn’t just a “one time thing” like he actually wanted a relationship. He already knew he wanted a relationship based off of my looks. And how do I know this? Because I turned him down so many times but he kept persisting. After talking for a while, we even made out once but stopped because I said I was uncomfortable. I made it very loud and clear that I was not down to hook up and he said it was fine. So maybe secretly he did just want this to be a one time thing but I was very cautious to make sure that wasn’t the case, plus he had a good reputation of being a nice guy. Well, everyone in my grade thought it was so WEIRD that he wanted ME. They asked him why? My friend overheard this guy in the hallway say “Why does he want katie? He is so out of her league” Okay… my point is…. nobody would have said stuff like that if I were pretty. I don’t even think I’m ugly.. maybe I’d rate myself a 5/10. Average. Okay maybe 6/10 because of how much time and effort I put into  making my hair and outfit and body look good. So my face could be seen as average. I don’t know. Why does this even matter to me? It makes me feel so inferior. I JUST WANT TO BE PRETTY. I have done amazing things by simply putting my mind to it. I promise you if I think about and act on something I want 24/7… I’m EVENTUALLY going to have to succeed. But this…. it’s almost like I will never be good enough with my looks. I DON’T EVEN CARE TO HAVE TONS OF FRIENDS. I’m fine having my 4 friends. But come on, it’s all I have wanted all my life. To be BEAUTIFUL and admired. But I’m not and don’t think I will ever be.