I feel ugly

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Coach Vernida.

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March 4, 2018 at 2:08 pm #195889

Katie
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I feel ugly. When I look in the mirror I don’t necessarily see ugly….. but how do I know whether or not I am ugly? Sometimes it feels like all I do is try my hardest to be pretty yet it doesn’t work. It’s not like I look in the mirror and hate myself…. but I don’t look in the mirror and think “wow I know I am pretty.” If I do think I am somewhat pretty… I feel like it is sort of biased, you know? Because there is always that bias that you view yourself a little better just because it’s yourself. People do not treat me like I am pretty. I often find myself googling “how to know if you are pretty” and usually the answers are things like “you have lots of friends and guy friends, you are popular, people like you, people compliment you, etc…” and I think that is true. All the girls in my grade/school who have lots of friends are always seen as pretty. They always look happy. And I don’t think these girls are snobby at all, they are just well-liked and really happy and always laughing and always have guys going after them and always being admired for being pretty. I even used to be friends with some of them (before I got a boyfriend and lost most of my friends). I don’t see myself as uglier than them or prettier than them. To be honest, I see myself as equally pretty or prettier than a lot of them. And this is going to sound horrible… but I come from a pretty rich family so my clothes are really nice and in style. I even dress better than most of them. And I hate to compare myself and I know I sound really superficial saying this. But I feel like something is wrong with me. I don’t mean to compare myself and be so superficial and materialistic but I am constantly wondering why people don’t like me. Why are they always getting invited places when I’m not? Why are they so confident when I’m so awkward? Why do they talk to lots of attractive guys when I don’t? Why do they have tons of friends and I only have 4? I literally cannot think of any reason besides the fact that they are simply more liked by others than me. Why? My biggest guess is because they’re pretty. Which I guess means that I’m not pretty. Even though I may think I am somewhat pretty… the only real way to know is if people give me feedback. And based on my life…. I am nothing except average.

There is this one girl… let’s call her Emily. She is so pretty and she has tons of friends. I’ve always wanted to be friends with her but she always ignores me? Why? Once I was at a party and my one friend (who is GORGEOUS and guys are always going after her and it’s pretty certain that she is beautiful and I can be the judge to say she is so pretty) was talking to Emily. They were laughing so I went up to them because I was kinda alone and my friend acknowledged me but Emily didn’t even look my way. It’s like… I am invisible.

This summer I went on a school trip to Argentina. A lot of “popular” boys and girls were on this trip as well. So I signed up for the trip with my one friend and guess what? My one friend became friends with everyone and everyone was talking to her and me? Nobody cared to talk to me or pay attention to me. It was like I wasn’t there. It was so weird. I was just like “what am I doing wrong?” In fact, Emily was on this trip too and we went to this really popular historical tourist sight and Emily goes up to my friend and says “hey (friend’s name), want to get a picture?” I was literally like… what. There was absolutely NOTHING that my friend was doing differently than me (that I can think of). And something deep inside me is telling me that if I were good enough then Emily would have asked “do you guys want to get a picture?”

For the past 4 years of my life I have blamed my inability to make people like me on my awkwardness. And it’s true. I am awkward, I am shy, I am quiet. But so are so many other people… yet they have so many friends. For some reason they just attract people. And I am really outgoing once I know someone. It is really painful to be treated like I am invisible. So yeah this post may sound very superficial…. but I don’t know what else to blame this on. I have barely any friends and people just don’t like me. And it sucks. I want to be socializing, I want to be having fun, I am tired of living my life in isolation.

Please.. I need to know. Do people really not like me because I am not pretty enough? Or is it because my social skills suck? Believe me, I wish looks didn’t matter but I am realizing more and more that maybe they do. Maybe this is why I have no friends. Maybe this is why people think I’m weird.

March 5, 2018 at 3:34 am #195945

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katie:

Of your two options (“I am not pretty enough? Or is it because my social skills suck”), I choose the second as way more likely. You wrote about girls who are popular and well liked: “They always look happy… really happy and always laughing”. I am certain that they are not always happy. But often they appear happy and they laugh a lot because they interact with other. They don’t laugh all by themselves, they laugh with others, correct? And they see to it that they appear happy to others, correct?

You wrote that you are shy and awkward, less interactive with others, then.

anita

March 5, 2018 at 3:54 am #195947
Inky
Participant
Hi Katie,

You are probably pretty. And being pretty probably has nothing to do with it.

I bet it’s social awkwardness. Some people have the knack for connecting with people. Other people can chameleon their way into any group. It’s a gift.

Whatever the other people are doing, you do. As an experiment. Go to two people talking and ask one of them for a picture. Smile and laugh in the crowd in the same tone and tenor that everyone else is. Things like that. It’s just a suggestion. I couldn’t stand doing that for long myself.

Be thankful for the four friends you have rather than lament over the hundred you don’t.

I know it’s a cliché, but as you get older, these things matter less and less.

Blessings,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
March 20, 2018 at 9:50 am #198391

Katie
Participant

Anita and Inky,

Sorry it took me so long to reply I just saw these responses. I wrote this when I was feeling really ugly and felt like it was the reason for all my problems in life. As time passes by, I realize now it is because I am simply just not outgoing.

It is actually a little funny that I am so shy, considering my younger brothers have so many friends. As they have gotten older, I have realized just how easily they are able to talk to people. Sometimes when I make a new friend and have them over, the person becomes closer with my brothers because of how outgoing and easy to talk to they are. I am grateful for the few friends I have. But the thing is I have spent years of my life wondering what is wrong with me. After seeing how my brothers are able to interact with others, I realize… maybe it’s not because I was cursed maybe it is because my personality is timid. It’s almost like a relief, like I have found the answer.

I think I may have social anxiety (or some form of it) which may cause me to be so timid? I think I have it because of this crazy intense feeling of fear I have whenever talking to people. It sucks. I’m so awkward because of it. I don’t have any desire to be “popular” or have tons of friends but I just want to be able to be happy in my skin, and talk to people around me. It’s really isolating and I don’t want to become lonely. I always wonder why I can’t break up with my boyfriend when our relationship is so bad, and I think 50% of the reason is because he is all that I have. I am afraid I will be left with nobody if I lose him because of my inability to make friends. Does this sound like social anxiety to you?

March 20, 2018 at 10:10 am #198399

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kate:

Good understanding on your part: you are not ugly (title of your thread). You are not outgoing.

You wrote: “I think I may have social anxiety (or some form of it) which may cause me to be so timid?”

The word timid means “easily frightened”. Anxiety is ongoing fear, fear easily and frequently triggered. Being timid or shy means being fearful. The fear in the diagnosis of social anxiety is the same fear as in the diagnosis of other forms of anxiety, same as in timid and shy.

anita

March 22, 2018 at 1:29 pm #198859

Katie
Participant

Anita,

Okay. I change my mind. I think it is because I am ugly. I mean, I don’t really know 100% but my mind keeps changing. Whenever I start feeling ugly I start blaming everything on it. But there is still a reason why I think it may have to do with the fact that I am ugly. Yes, outgoing people can be popular and well liked BUT I don’t find it a coincidence that all the popular girls in my school are pretty. Not one is ugly. Why?? I see outgoing girls who aren’t conventionally “pretty” (and may even be seen as ugly) and they’re just kinda disregarded… they have lots of friends (and I notice that the popular girls have lots of friends as well) yet for some reason they are separate from the popular girls. It’s like to be apart of their group you have to be pretty. It’s almost as if they are able to get along because of their looks and because of the amount of guys that go after them. I know looks aren’t everything but in my mind I’ve learned that no matter what I put my mind to.. I can do it. I’ve been able to accomplish anything I have wanted to by simply working hard for it. Yet, this will never seem to work out for me.

This is going to sound really superficial but let’s just say I was super beautiful and people always talked about how pretty I was. Something in me feels like if that were the case, all my problems would disappear. I’d be constantly getting positive feedback from people. People would always say “you’re so pretty” and I’d feel more accepted by my peers. More guys would go after me, which would leave me with infinite options. If I were the hottest girl in the world, I doubt my boyfriend would ever cheat on me because why would he go after an ugly girl if he is dating the hottest one? Now, I know personality plays a role BUT (and this is me sorta going off on a tangent but its important to how I feel right now) once my boyfriend and I went on a break for about 2 weeks and when we got back together I had found out he was trying to go after this model. Like, instead of worrying about getting me back he was too busy talking to/trying to win over this model. Let’s be real, I saw this girl and she had no special personality, especially not one that would attract my boyfriend to her. It was solely based off of her looks. Even AFTER we got back together he would still talk to her (sucky boyfriend, I know) and when I’d ask why he’d say “she’s a model!!” If I were prettier than this “s0-called” model then he should be satisfied enough with me. ALSO once my boyfriend was drunk and told me “I never get pretty girls” which was kinda a slap in the face.

And don’t get me wrong HOT, POPULAR guys have gone after me in the past but let me tell this story as well. So, I was a sophomore in high school and this SUPER POPULAR, ATTRACTIVE junior boy was going after me. I mean, we’re talking the hottest most popular guy in the junior grade. Girls literally swooned over him. Like, my friends would tell me that during lunch other girls would be like “oh my god he’s soooooo hot” (and these were the prettiest girls who were swooning over him). Well, low and behold he thought I was pretty (for some reason, don’t know why). He had no idea what my personality was like either, he just wanted me. But… it wasn’t just a “one time thing” like he actually wanted a relationship. He already knew he wanted a relationship based off of my looks. And how do I know this? Because I turned him down so many times but he kept persisting. After talking for a while, we even made out once but stopped because I said I was uncomfortable. I made it very loud and clear that I was not down to hook up and he said it was fine. So maybe secretly he did just want this to be a one time thing but I was very cautious to make sure that wasn’t the case, plus he had a good reputation of being a nice guy. Well, everyone in my grade thought it was so WEIRD that he wanted ME. They asked him why? My friend overheard this guy in the hallway say “Why does he want katie? He is so out of her league” Okay… my point is…. nobody would have said stuff like that if I were pretty. I don’t even think I’m ugly.. maybe I’d rate myself a 5/10. Average. Okay maybe 6/10 because of how much time and effort I put into making my hair and outfit and body look good. So my face could be seen as average. I don’t know. Why does this even matter to me? It makes me feel so inferior. I JUST WANT TO BE PRETTY. I have done amazing things by simply putting my mind to it. I promise you if I think about and act on something I want 24/7… I’m EVENTUALLY going to have to succeed. But this…. it’s almost like I will never be good enough with my looks. I DON’T EVEN CARE TO HAVE TONS OF FRIENDS. I’m fine having my 4 friends. But come on, it’s all I have wanted all my life. To be BEAUTIFUL and admired. But I’m not and don’t think I will ever be.

March 23, 2018 at 5:37 am #198941

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katie:

A few days ago you wrote: “I wrote this when I was feeling really ugly and felt like it was the reason for all my problems in life. As time passes by, I realize now it is because I am simply just not outgoing.”

Yesterday you wrote: “I changed my mind. I think it is because I am ugly.”

* In “ugly” you are referring to not being physically attractive or pleasing to the eye enough, being less so than other women.

Well, let’s think about “the reason for all (your) problems in life”- you brought up one possibility, being ugly. Then you considered another possibility: not being outgoing. And then, you went back to the first possibility.

My input: when considering any two possibilities, it is possible that both apply, not one or the other, but both. It is also possible that there is a third possibility, one not considered yet. Maybe a fourth as well, and then any combination of possibilities may be the reason you are looking for.

anita

June 20, 2018 at 5:39 am #213247

Sege
Participant

Dear Kate,

What you suffer from is simply low self esteem and yes, its that simple. But here’s where it gets worse, if you don’t take control of your life and appreciate yourself, its gonna turn into a more severe form insecurity and low self esteem.

Appreciating yourself; You’ve been blessed to be born in a upper class family, and if you’re a 6/10, I’d say you’re way luckier than someone from a low class family, and a 5 or 6/10.

Go for a walk on a popular street around your area, you’ll notice couples from different walks of life. Its either the bf is better looking that the gf or the other way around, yet, they’re holding hands, smiling and happy. They’re not better than you because I’m 100% sure you can have that too.

Leave your bf, he doesn’t deserve you with such rude and disrespectful comments made at the party. Dude has low self esteem, you don’t need more of that.

Try to be more outgoing with people. Don’t be afraid to initiate first contact and most importantly, stop giving a damn what others think about you.

Note: People easily sense when they’re around someone who’s shy and not outgoing. Don’t look downwards and nervous when in social circles, just feel free!

June 22, 2018 at 4:45 pm #213691

Coach Vernida
Participant

Hi Katie.

I too feel that what you’re going through is some form of Low Self Esteem. It seems that you are way too concerned with comparing yourself with others. We are all different and we each have something special about ourselves unlike any other. Beauty is not only seen on the outside but it is very important to have inner beauty which will reflect on the outer. You are beautiful and you need to spend your time focusing on being YOU. Get to know yourself, what makes you happy, acknowledging your fears and your strengths. I hope soon you will find self satisfaction once you discover the beauty in you.
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