Dear Anita

Thank you for posting this. I can’t imagine why you want to help me. I know you said why but I still can’t.

I guess I was innocent, I remember sitting with her everyday doing homework when she “helped me” doing it, yelling at me and bullying me. I was afraid of doing homework. (I once read your post about being afraid of sitting at breakfast, sorry I read this. It’s probably a different situation, I can’t tell exactly what you meant, but maybe I relate a bit.)Those things like shaving my hair because she thought it was too thin. I think a little bit that if only I had thick hair she wouldn’t have bullied me about it. If only I knew grammar better she wouldn’t have yelled at me. She was angry at me that I made errors in homework. But I also think of other thing she told me, that when I was born she was so happy to have me. That she barely let anyone else hold me, she wanted to be the only one to hold me and take care of me, didn’t let mother in law or anyone. So happy to have me, loved me so much. Loved this idea of a baby that was born. And then I started to disappoint her as I grew up and started becoming “a person”, not just a baby. She started to notice those hair, me being skinny, my defects in speech, not standing straight. So she was angry at me for that flaws. There becomes my feeling of guilt for those features. Because they are all true, so how can I explain that I’m not guilty of them. I am. or I know I’m not but I believed I am.