Dear Anita,

Hi there – how have you been? Firstly I would like to say thank you for your support towards me via Tiny Buddha over the past three months. Since December you have been so consistent with following my progress and continuing to communicate with me and share your insight and experiences – it has really helped me a lot. In all of my medical assessments I have stated the fact that using Tiny Buddha has been helping me to manage my emotions and understand them better, and I think you should be really proud knowing that you help others on a daily basis.  When I scroll through the topics, I see your name on nearly almost all of them, as the person who has last commented. To put so much time and effort in to understanding other people’s situations and lives, and taking so much time to reply in depth is so, so selfless and helps people more than you realise. Thank you so much.

In response to your last message: Yes, being a promoter/ doing the music gigs has given me a way to be able to form healthy connections and relationships with people through that. When I was at uni, up until I did the music gigs, I used to see club/ gig environments as being quite hostile environments. Whereas since doing the gigs I have been able to create a really open, friendly environment which is needed. And to approach bands, artists, promoters, venues with a respectful, open approach which has gotten me quite far. I have a lot of gigs lined up until July, and more opportunities continue to present themselves to me.

What is difficult for a child who has been betrayed, is this: (from my experience). When my emotions as a child were mistreated so ruthlessly, I began to lose hope and faith in that happiness. My parents would make me apologise profoundly for things that I hadn’t done, they would retract their love, and make me and my sister beg for their love again. It made us both feel that happiness, and love would never be returned. We grew up watching a relationship where 2 individuals were so co-dependent on each other, that they focused all of their energy and time on each other. I think this is why me and my sister struggle with interpersonal relationships and put all of our time and focus on our significant other.

Me and my sister also realised that because we grew up watching a relationship with no love whatsoever, I think deep down we had the desire to fix that and to create a relationship with an overwhelming amount of love. Which would also explain why we are so intense with our SO’s. And when we feel rejected by the SO, we return to that state we felt as a child, of feeling abandoned/ end of the world/ happiness will never return.

I am trying to learn and practice more and more to be present in every moment and to feel emotionally stable when not with a SO, or when doing things by myself etc. It is going to be hard to unlearn that not every moment needs to be lived in fear of rejection and abandonment, but I am trying my best.

In terms of my life now: I am currently on annual leave, for another week I believe. I had an occupational health appointment, and a phased return to work is going to be in place – so I work 50% of what I was doing, then 75% and then 100% again in time. This will be good for me to practice having that emotionally stability on shift, and to gradually build that up more and more.

I have a medical assessment on 4th April – to try and pinpoint a diagnosis for my mental health. I hope this to be progressive. My sister has been diagnosed with both bpd and ptsd, and I have an inclining that I experience some of those traits.

In the past month I have developed a relationship with a guy – we shall call him Noel. We talk openly about emotions and he has fast become one of my closest friends. The friendship is romantic also. Noel is very inwards, lacks self belief and is extremely humble. Sometimes I feel as though I have never met anyone with a more beautiful soul.

I hung out with Noel last weekend, Friday – Monday. It is strange, because of how much I feel when I am around him, it is almost overbearing, and sometimes I feel like a child again. I am Noels first relationship, so I guess he may find it difficult having a first relationship with someone who can be emotional unstable. We had a misunderstanding on the Monday before I left, which snowballed in to quite an emotionally extreme situation for me. I saw him yesterday and we talked through our emotions together, and got the trust back/ got things back to how they were.

He is scared because he is so used to self-doubt. Although I seem to bring out more confidence in him. It has been difficult because he tends to retreat if something happens with us, and at points he has said that he doesn’t know if he is emotionally ready (despite showing me that he is). It was a long emotional conversation, but he found the bravery to say that he loved me, and that he wanted to work through things and for things to be good with us.

I am aware that he is super sensitive and fragile. Mainly due to going through school, college, uni being extremely shy, humble and lacking in self belief/ confidence. He has said to me that he appreciates my encouragement and would like me to continue encouraging him to step outside his comfort zone. I am very aware that this relationship needs to be treated with a lot of mindfulness and consideration, and so it’s important that both of us do have a lot of space away from each other, and to treat every conversation with consideration.

It has been a lot. I guess there is a fear that Noel will retract and suddenly abandon me. But over the weekend that I spent with him, the number 44 kept appearing. I showed him this and he was in awe and was outstanded when it kept showing itself. At the beginning of the weekend I said “okay, so if we see the number 444 this weekend, it means that we are on the right track” – low and behold, on the Sunday, I checked my phone when I was with him and the time was “4.44”. I showed him as soon as I saw it and he couldn’t believe it.

When we had our misunderstanding, I was in 2 minds about seeing him and trying to fix things, but I kept seeing 44 that day and so I went and fixed things. During writing this explanation I looked at the time and it was 9.44 too.

I can only hope that with patience, mutual consideration and understanding, that our relationship continues to grow and blossom.

I plan on remaining true to myself/ open/ working on feeling secure by myself/ in my life and treating my relationship with Noel as secondary and with a lot of mindfulness.

I am moving to Bristol this coming Saturday.

Cat