Dear Anita,

I recall those times with a slight smile on my face now. There were enormous responsibilities placed on me but not by my parents. They didn’t want me to stand for the post at all because they thought I was too “innocent” for all the politics. The pressure on me was placed by my teachers and also by myself. It was a private school and the principal was a family friend so that’s why I felt pressured. I wanted the superiority of the post as much as I wanted to prove that I’m as good as my sister. As it happens, I was indeed made the head-girl and I think I did a good job. While I was shaping my leadership skills I also realised that when I’m busy being the best, nobody can hurt me. And yes, I would definitely say that those experiences had a powerful impact in shaping my personality. But I still had trusted a few so called friends after that. Once they broke my trust I completely stopped expecting anyone to be trustworthy.

That hollow feeling comes and goes. I think it’s because I’m not doing all the fun stuff that teens are expected to do and sometimes that bothers me. This happens only about 20% of the time now. 80% of the time I’m content being single and being the way I am. But even this 20% is affecting me somehow. For instance, where first if I would have a zit I’d not bother about it because I would think that I have nobody to impress and a zit can’t make me feel bad. But now I stress about it and end up applying makeup over it before I leave my house.

The Ice Queen thing is definitely a resonance of the hollow thing. But it’s deliberate in some way whereas the hollow feeling wasn’t. I trained myself, over time, such that I don’t get too attached to anyone hence not giving them the power to influence my feelings. I thought it made me a strong person. I didn’t consider its cons.
As far as the not being happy after achieving any goal, that still exists. Even today, after any achievement, my first thought is ‘what next’. I don’t take the time to celebrate it. I don’t know why. At times I am too hard on myself and I realise that. But I am unable to stop. Instead of peace, I experience boredom. There’s some interior feeling within me that just doesn’t let me want to stop and take a minute. I’m always thinking about something or the other or analysing some part of my curriculum, things like that.

I think the role models we choose for ourselves reveal a lot about our inner character. All my role models have been ambitious, heartless and powerful (for the better part, fictional) people who weren’t affected by any sort of emotional turbulence. Over time I focused on making myself like them and now here I am.