Forum Replies Created
April 1, 2018 at 8:31 am #200411
I deeply thank you for that compliment. And likewise, I will be very pleased to converse with you when the opportunity next arises. Take care 🙂March 31, 2018 at 6:26 pm #200355
It couldn’t be defined better than what you said. I will try focusing on my feelings and controlling them rather than tuning them off.
Talking with you has indeed been an enriching experience for me. I feel more centered now. Thank you for your valuable insight. It means a lot that you took the time to think about my problems and respond accordingly.
Crystal.March 31, 2018 at 10:28 am #200313
In comparison to my sister I’m the emotionally stronger one now. I wasn’t 5 years ago but now, without a doubt, I am. And I don’t think I’m weak. But I avoid checking that by just tuning out my feelings. I have endured quite a few emotionally traumatic experiences and those have made me strong. The intensity with which I feel towards the actions of people who aren’t in my close circle is very less. But being the way I am, is lonely at times. It is what I chose – a no-nonsense life, and I stand by my choice. However, seeing other people, who aren’t as focused on academia as I am, having fun and getting a lot of attention from their significant others makes me a little green. But given the chance to be one of those people, I would not choose that. Its confusing.March 31, 2018 at 9:50 am #200305
Thank you so much for the time and effort you took to reply. I am grateful for your help 🙂
I don’t think that’s the problem anymore. Might have been at one point of time probably but now I don’t compare myself to her. I deeply admire her for her qualities, however, now I’m able to appreciate her strengths without questioning my own. The way I feel now is because I shut people out and then feel like I’m alone in my journey at the moment. I am aware that it’s very self contradictory and yet I don’t understand how to change it, or even if I want to change it. I don’t feel this way a lot but I do feel like this during few selected moments. All this overthinking and constant analysis of what’s going on in my life makes me a little low at times. Like a small nagging voice that eats at my happiness. I think lack of self-love is my problem because I love myself only if I’ve done something that counts as an achievement and not otherwise. Even that love is very brief and not continuous. I immediately feel the need to focus on another potential achievement. What do you think?March 31, 2018 at 8:52 am #200291
I always appreciated my own individuality too. So I just wanted, and still want to be more balanced like her. Also she is amazingly self confident, a trait which is waning in my own self. So in some aspects, I do want to be like her.March 31, 2018 at 8:17 am #200275
I feel that the word inferior is very strong for what I felt. I certainly looked up to her and admired the way she handled things, still do actually.March 31, 2018 at 8:02 am #200259
My parents thought I lacked the emotional maturity to balance between the two worlds of school responsibilities and being my happy-go-lucky self at home. In my opinion, they were concerned because they knew I was a very sensitive person and even the smallest things end up hurting me.
And no, they didn’t have these concerns about my sister. From the beginning she was a balanced individual and never brought home the woes of school. She knew how to deal with all the problematic issues whereas I had to learn.March 31, 2018 at 7:32 am #200247
I recall those times with a slight smile on my face now. There were enormous responsibilities placed on me but not by my parents. They didn’t want me to stand for the post at all because they thought I was too “innocent” for all the politics. The pressure on me was placed by my teachers and also by myself. It was a private school and the principal was a family friend so that’s why I felt pressured. I wanted the superiority of the post as much as I wanted to prove that I’m as good as my sister. As it happens, I was indeed made the head-girl and I think I did a good job. While I was shaping my leadership skills I also realised that when I’m busy being the best, nobody can hurt me. And yes, I would definitely say that those experiences had a powerful impact in shaping my personality. But I still had trusted a few so called friends after that. Once they broke my trust I completely stopped expecting anyone to be trustworthy.
That hollow feeling comes and goes. I think it’s because I’m not doing all the fun stuff that teens are expected to do and sometimes that bothers me. This happens only about 20% of the time now. 80% of the time I’m content being single and being the way I am. But even this 20% is affecting me somehow. For instance, where first if I would have a zit I’d not bother about it because I would think that I have nobody to impress and a zit can’t make me feel bad. But now I stress about it and end up applying makeup over it before I leave my house.
The Ice Queen thing is definitely a resonance of the hollow thing. But it’s deliberate in some way whereas the hollow feeling wasn’t. I trained myself, over time, such that I don’t get too attached to anyone hence not giving them the power to influence my feelings. I thought it made me a strong person. I didn’t consider its cons.
As far as the not being happy after achieving any goal, that still exists. Even today, after any achievement, my first thought is ‘what next’. I don’t take the time to celebrate it. I don’t know why. At times I am too hard on myself and I realise that. But I am unable to stop. Instead of peace, I experience boredom. There’s some interior feeling within me that just doesn’t let me want to stop and take a minute. I’m always thinking about something or the other or analysing some part of my curriculum, things like that.
I think the role models we choose for ourselves reveal a lot about our inner character. All my role models have been ambitious, heartless and powerful (for the better part, fictional) people who weren’t affected by any sort of emotional turbulence. Over time I focused on making myself like them and now here I am.March 30, 2018 at 6:12 pm #200201
Yes, I do have good relations with family and friends. But I’m unable to spend a lot of time with them as I’m always busy with my studies. My best friend is pursuing her engineering so she stays busy too and we don’t meet up regularly. Texting was never our thing so that doesn’t work well. My other friends are busy with their lives as well, just like how I am. Everything pretty much revolves around my studies in my life and that’s what makes it boring.
Yes, sometimes I feel the absence of having a man in my life. The worst part is that when anyone tries to enter my life I don’t entertain it. This is where the “impossibly high standards” come in. I don’t judge people by their looks or other exterior aspects and those aren’t the standards that aren’t being met. It’s all just shallow men talking shallow things and that I find irritating.
As you said, being a selectively-associates-with-men girl is hard for me because now most of the men around me are intimidated by me and that’s exactly the kind of men I don’t want to be around. And I don’t want to find other men to associate with because I fear that they will again think I’m looking to be more than friends and even though I tell them repeatedly that I’m not, they will insist and it all takes an ugly turn (its happened before a couple of times).
The problem, I think is, I’m not open to trusting anyone new but sometimes I get envious of the people who are. And this in some unexplainable way is affecting my self confidence and making me more critical about some factors of myself. I know it is all very weird so thanks for taking the time to reply to it 🙂March 30, 2018 at 11:03 am #200133
You are correct in your assessment of this case. But I’ve gained my trust issues from a few backstabbing erstwhile friends as well. Many people whom I blindly trusted went ahead and betrayed me. It was all high school drama so I got over it pretty soon but these things did have an impact. One after another these so called friends kept revealing their true colours. I had quite a few experiences with such people. Over a period of time I realised that most people are only loyal when they require help or think that you may be of assistance to them in the future. It could be that my choice of friends was probably wrong for some time. I would open up emotionally pretty soon, until I learnt not to. Then practicality took over me which taught me to trust no one but myself. I distanced myself from drama creators and saw the visible difference. Later, I was fortunate enough to find a few others like me.
I’ve seen my sister’s previous relationship fail and a close friend of mines too, who went into depression after that. All of my past experiences and seeing my sister’s and friend’s relationships fail contributed hugely to how I feel now. So overall, I do mostly shut down when it comes to men but also when it comes to selecting friends. Basically any relation where I would be vulnerable, makes me sceptical. But now that I have sorted out the friends issue by limiting the people I open up to, it’s not an issue anymore. That’s how I went from school popular girl to the selectively-associates-with-people girl. It doesn’t bother me if I don’t have a bunch of friends anymore. I have quality people in my life.March 30, 2018 at 10:33 am #200127
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I would describe my relationship with my sister as an open, honest and close relationship wherein she knows everything that’s going on in my life. We crack jokes together, we play silly games together because they are fun and we also have serious discussions when either one of us needs the other ones opinion. When she vents, I’m always a patient listener and she’s the same way with me. I share a similar relation with my best friend and a handful of close friends.May 2, 2014 at 10:03 pm #55760
Im so glad that u have developed such a positive attitude.. I wish u all the success…
Crystal…May 2, 2014 at 1:06 am #55742
U luv this man dont u… Then give him little time. Dont give him all the time in the world, I mean dont let him take as long as he wants.. But on the other hand, that may be his nature. That may be how he really is on the inside. Maybe he is an introvert and luvs u but is unable to express it. Do u think thats possible??
It is bad on his part not to try and console u even after knowing that it bothers u..But I think u should not try to contact him 1st and let him try and reach out to u. I think if he does so then u can relax. If he doesnt, then clearly what he said about not making u feel neglected didnt come from his heart.
But I would advice u to cheer up n anticipate positive things…. I know its not easy but just try to be happy and Im sure life will smile at u with abundant blessings…Just believe that what will happen will be for your good..
Take care n keep smiling.
CrystalMay 1, 2014 at 1:32 am #55677
The situation is not as complex as you are imagining it to be. He likes to be a “free bird” then let him be. If you believe in his luv towards you then dont let these feelings or anxities ruin your relationship. However if his attitude turns to take the shape of neglect towards u and ur feelings, it would’nt be healthy for ur relationship. If u are cent percent sure that your love towards him and his towards u is true then give him some time. Dont charge on him with all sorts of questions. Be patient…if your luv is true then let him be the free bird he is, and if his luv is true then that bird will surely return to u. You can gently ask him his opinion about having a family and get your answer. Be calm and dont let your anxities talk on behalf of you. Are u in luv with ur bf or are u in luv with the feeling of being in luv? This is a question only u can answer…. I believe that when u have the answer to this, u will have the solution to your anxity.
CrystalApril 30, 2014 at 4:02 am #55624
Hi dearest Bernie,
I can totally understand how u must be feeling. You have to realize that this is theway he will be for the rest of his life..this is how he is and i doubt if there will be any change. If he s not worried about you why are you so concerned with the matter?? I know you for a way little time and im genuinely tensed about your health and your bf knows you for 5 years and he s barely bothered is a HUGE disappointment. As i did tell u before- you deserve someone better and im sure you ll find tat person. The very fact that you took so much of your time to write about this guy s behaviour tells that you re not happy with him. U shud be in a relationship to feel special and loved, not neglected and not cared for…
I know im replying very late and i dont have any idea of whats goin on now, but i just wish that u r happy wherever u r..Take Care.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by crystal.