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Reevaluting my relationship – advice please

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #55659
    Jane
    Participant

    Hi everyone –

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now and lately I’ve been reevaluating the relationship. I very much love him and would like him to continue to stay in my life. It was an intense connection from the time we met. I haven’t been with anyone serious since my last relationship about 4 years ago (that relationship was 8 years). It was reassuring to finally meet someone and to fall in love again. I would like to marry this man and have a family however I’m not sure if that is what he envisions as well. I haven’t asked nor brought up the topic so I don’t know, but I can sense that he is very much set in his ways and likes to be a “free bird”. I am approaching 35 and he is 36 therefor I feel the need to start thinking about this kind of stuff. If I wasn’t in my mid 30s I wouldn’t worry so much as I do now. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Am I rushing? I guess I’ve just learned more about myself and what I want in life has caused me to “fast track” what I want and if the other person doesn’t feel the same then why waste time. Like I said, I very much want to spend my life with this person but this concern has been causing major anxiety lately and I know I’m not being myself around him. I’m highly insecure and sensitive lately rather than my usual fun loving self he’s come to known. I try to dig deep to understand where this anxiety is coming from and I think a part of me questions his love for me and the feeling of not being good enough to marry or even live with when hes been married and has had a couple of live-in girlfriends in the past (oh yea, forgot to mention he was married in his 20s for 5 yrs). I’m not going to react anytime soon as Ive been meditating on the subject so I can understand what I want and what to say..but I would like to bring this up soon. How do I approach this? Any advice or experiences is greatly appreciated.

    Thanks
    -GK

    #55677
    crystal
    Participant

    Hi Jane,
    The situation is not as complex as you are imagining it to be. He likes to be a “free bird” then let him be. If you believe in his luv towards you then dont let these feelings or anxities ruin your relationship. However if his attitude turns to take the shape of neglect towards u and ur feelings, it would’nt be healthy for ur relationship. If u are cent percent sure that your love towards him and his towards u is true then give him some time. Dont charge on him with all sorts of questions. Be patient…if your luv is true then let him be the free bird he is, and if his luv is true then that bird will surely return to u. You can gently ask him his opinion about having a family and get your answer. Be calm and dont let your anxities talk on behalf of you. Are u in luv with ur bf or are u in luv with the feeling of being in luv? This is a question only u can answer…. I believe that when u have the answer to this, u will have the solution to your anxity.

    Warm Rgds,
    Crystal

    #55709
    Jane
    Participant

    Thanks Crystal for your reply. I had an uneasy night full of anxiousness so reading your post this am made me feel better and got me really thinking today. We spoke briefly last night and I let him know that I’m feeling unappreciated and I’m not happy where we are at right now. I was calm and collected. I dont know what got into to me to speak up, I actually wanted to wait but it just came out. I basically said I’m feeling unsure how things are between us and that I’m feeling unappreciative and all I want to do is make him happy and if hes not happy or unable to communicate with me then why and how can we stay together? He was responsive and reassured me that wasn’t his intentions but I still feel he was just being an ear for me to vent and just being nice to avoid conflict. I just don’t feel he was sincere. Even after the conversation, which is still left open cause it was quite late, he hasn’t made an effort to reach out even through a simple text today. Wouldnt one do that if the other person cares about the others feelings being left hurt? Its pains me yet I’m trying to see him for what he is and how hes acting. I meditated as usual today but found it difficult to just “be”. I feel so hurt, confused, and anxious I don’t know how to deal with it all at the moment. If he continues to neglect this situation how do I bring this up again? And to answer your question, yes I love this man and want a future. Its not being in love that im in love with. Ive been happy and content single and I know I can do that again, it just takes time. Truthfully, what would cause him to act this way? Was I blind to see that he truly loved me? I felt he did yet now Im confused with all of this going on…

    #55710
    Jane
    Participant

    to add, I know myself well enough by now to realize when I feel like this. Its because the other person is pulling away. What I would like advice on is, do I wait and be patient or do I move on and let things flow as they may…

    Sorry I’m really down and would like an outsides perspective. Thanks again.

    -gk

    #55742
    crystal
    Participant

    Hi Jane,
    U luv this man dont u… Then give him little time. Dont give him all the time in the world, I mean dont let him take as long as he wants.. But on the other hand, that may be his nature. That may be how he really is on the inside. Maybe he is an introvert and luvs u but is unable to express it. Do u think thats possible??
    It is bad on his part not to try and console u even after knowing that it bothers u..But I think u should not try to contact him 1st and let him try and reach out to u. I think if he does so then u can relax. If he doesnt, then clearly what he said about not making u feel neglected didnt come from his heart.
    But I would advice u to cheer up n anticipate positive things…. I know its not easy but just try to be happy and Im sure life will smile at u with abundant blessings…Just believe that what will happen will be for your good..
    Take care n keep smiling.

    Warm Rgds,
    Crystal

    #55753
    Jade
    Participant

    The choice is yours in the end, only you know what kind of sacrifices you are willing to make for a person.

    Maybe my situation will give you a different perspective. I’m 33 and I had been dating my BF for 3 years when I brought up marriage and settling down. He agreed that he thought we were a good match and that it would happen “one day”. Maybe in 2 or 3 more years.

    I wasn’t happy with waiting a that much longer, but I thought for him, it was worth it to wait. So I did. And for 6 months I became more and more neurotic and miserable, trying my best to hide it from myself and the world. I’d bring it up again with my BF while in tears and he’d tell me not to cry, and that everything would happen in good time.

    It just so happened that after 6 months, my BF proposed to me. He had asked both sets of parents and been busy engagement ring shopping the whole time, saying “maybe one day” to me as a way to throw me off the scene of his surprise proposal.

    It was only AFTER we were engaged that I could fully appreciate the dark cloud of disappointment that had clouded everything while I had been waiting for him to agree to settle down. I absolutely hated being strung along like that. (fellas, if you are reading this, please take note!) I am so much happier now.

    This isn’t to say don’t wait for him! I waited, and my BF delivered, but it’s no fun living in that in-between world.

    #55766
    Inky
    Participant

    Here’s what I did (without knowing it): We never lived together, and I wouldn’t even leave my toothbrush behind at his place. Of course, he (even if only subconsciously) thought *I could leave anytime!*

    Then I said, “Don’t ask me any important questions this holiday.” The presupposition being he wants to propose. That gave him a bit of a mind-bend as he was a 39 yr old bachelor (never married).

    He proposed six months later.

    That doesn’t work? Be brutally honest. I mean, brutal. Say, “I want a family. Unfortunately, it has to be while I’m still young enough to have children.” If he argues, say, “I’m not going to let Some Guy rob me of my future children. Thought you weren’t just Some Guy. Sorry. Btw, I’m dating other people now. (Sorry!) Call me when you come to your senses.”

    Then actually go out with other people. You probably won’t have to for long. 😉

    #55841
    Kelly
    Participant

    Jane,
    I suggest a third option: have an open and direct conversation with him. It was a good first step to let him know you are feeling unappreciated and unhappy with the status of your relationship, but unless you’re leaving something out in your posting, it seems terribly vague. Feeling unappreciated could mean a multitude of things from “you never thank me when I pack your lunch” or “you don’t tell me you love me”, for example. I think in order for you to make any well-informed decision about your relationship, you will need to ask him where he sees things going. Does he want to get married again? Does he want kids? Don’t assume he wants to be a “free bird” until you hear it directly from him. Now, if he’s told you that he never wants to get married or have kids, you have to take him at his word and act accordingly. But don’t do anything rash based on a “hunch”, even if your gut tells you something. You owe it to him and your relationship to at least have a serious conversation before arriving at a decision. For what it’s worth, I don’t think a year and a half into a relationship is “fast track” in terms of having these types of conversations.

    I am a bit concerned that you didn’t feel he was being genuine when he listened to your concerns. Do you have personal experience with him that makes you feel that way, or is it perhaps a result of your insecurities that you’ve described within the relationship? A healthy relationship involves a lot of open communication. You might think he should just “know” to text you the next day. Perhaps many people in his position would have. But he didn’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you telling him how that made you feel. If you want to marry this man, you should probably start feeling more comfortable having difficult conversations. I believe it will only serve to bring you closer together. If you can’t share your feelings with your partner, what kind of relationship is that?

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