Dear Anita,

Thank you for your advice. I have started a blog on google blog https://lgbtcreate.blogspot.com/ where I will collect all the inspiration I’ve written in my life and post it to inspire others. The LGBT community at my college plays a big role in my life and I feel like I’ve found acceptance there. One of the members gave me the idea to start a blog and list all the poems and quotes I’ve written over the years and invite others to see it and also post on it in hopes that it will provide a guidance for those who are struggling to find themselves. Lately, I have been able to formulate words to describe who I am as a person and I realize that my special friend was right when he told me (I think it was in middle school when I was depressed) “I believe in you, someday you’ll find the words and they will inspire others in their truth” because I feel as if I now know what to say to help inspire others as well as myself and no longer feel like a lost person. I feel like I’m getting closer to finding myself daily and continue to learn many things that benefit me. I have become more confident and not letting the opinions of others influence me and am working on being a light for others. The thing is there are some people who will take advantage of the  positivity I give to them. And this makes me feel angry and then I feel selfish for feeling angry because I think “Am I not supposed to be helping them?” And then I think “But all they do is take and take and burden me with their troubles and don’t give me anything.” So I feel conflicted with some of the people I think are fake friends or fake supporters, but I’m not sure how to say no to them when they ask me for help. So the question is “How do I be more assertive without looking  like a bad person?

I have also begun to make peace with myself and have gone to a therapist who has helped me understand my gender identity.  I think that my parents also feel like things are happening so fast that they feel I’m not taking an adequate time to think things through. They told me that they have always known I have a more masculine form of expression because when I was younger I liked to have short hair and also enjoyed wearing boy’s clothes and my favorite activity when I was younger was camping out in the wilderness because I loved nature and still do. I don’t think they ever realized that I would discover myself as transgender and seek to transition though which is why it is hard on them. Lately, I’ve been bringing home resources from the pride group at my college and the LGBT community and sharing them with my parents explaining to them how these things and people play a part in my life and have helped me in discovering who I am. It is emotionally and financially straining for my family when they realize that I am seeing a therapist to help me better understand myself as a person because they feel they have lost the person they knew and I feel like I am in the process of finding myself. There is a rift in the family as my parents and I clash over things we aren’t totally on the same terms with. I think cutting my hair and telling my parents to use he/him pronouns for me was hard for them to accept, but in a way they could see it made me a happier person. I think they are working on coming to terms of me identifying as a male and understanding what it means to be transgender, but when it comes to asserting my gender as male by seeking resources and doing little things like therapy, pride groups, cutting my hair and/or transitioning; they still are against it. I feel like many parents feel their children make these decisions quite quickly like I am currently reading “At the Broken Places” about a mother and transson who have just picked up the pieces of their relationship after years of the rift between them by writing the novel to share their experiences. One felt like they were ready to transition and that the other was hindering who they were as a person and also that they never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone by seeking to be themselves and I felt like I connected with the transson Donald Collins in the book. The mother Mary Collins was against the transitioning and afraid things were moving too fast which is like my parents and this caused a rift in their relationship. Donald may have felt resentful and trapped that his mother would not help him financially or emotionally with the transition or wasn’t ready for it and that is how I sometimes feel with my parents. Within the story, they try to listen to the concerns of each other but neither one is willing to give in with their opposing mindsets,  one continues to think this is a impulsive decision that requires more thought while the other feels like they are trapped being a false self and wants to change which seems similar to the arguments I have with my parents at times. In my neighborhood, the cisgender (gender identity matches birth sex) guys who used to bully me for being a tomboy now are quite accepting of my gender expression because they understand what I’m going through and they make me feel like I am valid as a male and a person by including me in their friendship circles and inviting me to play sports with them.

So after trying to find myself I realize I am a nonbinary transmale and I experience gender dysphoria because my birth sex doesn’t match my gender identity. But i have become more accepting of who I am as a person and starting to get the resources for me even though it’s hard on my parents. I still have doubts about whether I can be self-sufficient out in the world and fear losing my family’s support, but I never had theu support on many things. They also dilike the fact that I want to be a genetic engineer because they feel that it is too masculine and too hard for me to pursue as a career. I’m working on trying to make them understand who I am as a person and becoming stronger so they don’t hurt me as much, but it can be so frustrating when they think I have a mental illness because of how I identify or the fact that I’m not smart enough to pursue my dream career.

They have been saying that I have become irresponsible and making all the bad decisions in life. I’m tired of arguing with them, so sometimes I ignore them, but that makes them criticize me even more and their voice to go louder. I feel like if I try to tell them and explain to the who I am and how I feel they don’t actively listen, but will interrupt with their opinions and when I don’t tell them they yell at me when they think I’ve done something wrong or against their wishes. I don’t mean to hurt anyone intentionally, but  I’m tired of being criticized when I argue with them and not being heard and also being berated at when I don’t say anything. The trust and connection in the family has gone downhill more over the years and I feel like the family thinks i’m an emotional and financial burden. What should I do?