Dear Anita

When I start meditating I try to observe my thoughts. Most of them are being trapped in this life, this flat here, and thoughts about him. I try to observe them, and let them pass, but I keep holding on to them because I’m afraid that if I let them go, I will have no control of them. I need to look at them, and control them, make sure that they exist. When we were dating I woke every morning and my first thought was: ‘Are we okay. Is he not angry with me, or is he not gone.’ I still do that, except now it’s mostly negative. I can’t explain this. I’m afraid when I have no control of those thoughts and let myself to let them go, he will disappear from my head, and I’m scared of it, because he’s the hope.