Hi Anita,

Thank you for your last post. I come to you today with a difficult entry.

I am on a weekend break with two friends. One is a girl I know from college, the other is her friend. We have been having a great time. My first day I had painful anxiety and missed my partner dearly. Yesterday I felt overwhelming love for him. Then alcohol was involved.

Ny relationship with alcohol has never been very healthy. I don’t have much self control and often don’t know when to stop. Yesterday we met with a friend of my friends. It is worth noting that both girls have been sexual together before and had a threesome with the best friend of the straight guy we met yesterday. The guy yesterday also has a girlfriend.

Everyone hot got pretty drunk, I felt awkward because I am a few years older and they were here to party. We went back to our flat (the 3 of us) and the very nice guy (also very young, sober I wouldn’t think anything of him in a sexuality fashion). In typical form I put music on and danced. The girl had invited the guy back so they could smoke weed. I took a drag thinking it was a cigarette so gave it back once I realised. Then things got a bit well I don’t know touchy feely. As I lay on the bed the three were harmlessly hugging. They encouraged me to have fun and hug them too. So I did. But, the girls began making out and the guy was excited but I could see he was trying to keep his distance. He looked very nervous and uncomfortable but was clearly aroused. I felt strange. I lay there and thought about my partner and as I was being cuddled by the guy On his right, the girls were on his left and also were extending hands to me etc. I had also noticed we were kind of rubbing feet (with him or a girl Im not sure). It brushed off his crotch area(everyone was clothed fully) and explored his abs, I felt my hand going further towards his Penis.

then something happened. I stopped. I panicked. I didn’t want to touch anyone, only my partner not someone else. Nor do I think this guy wanted me to touch, afterall he is straight.  I felt scared. I opened my eyes and like lightening realise “this is not my boyfriend”. So I left. I went to the balcony and I cried. I cried hard. My friend came out and asked why I was crying and if I was ok. I said “I love my partner so much and I feel like I’ve just cheated, and also, I feel like this would be what it would be like without him”. She smiled and laughed and said “Derek everyone is fully dressed and cuddling, ok hands wandered a bit ?75 you left, you’re here because you love him, that’s why you’re not on the bed”.

At at one point I’m not sure before or after I had vomited a lot in the bathroom, too much alcohol I suppose.

So today I am awake, and sightseeing and my mind is racing. The first thing I did was tell my partner briefly that things got weird and I found myself in a difficult situation and am sure I brushed off a penis touched some abs and potentiallly felt some boob. I told him I felt scared and that I feel like I almost fucked it up. He was a it confused and thought it all sounded a bit crazy. His response?

Derek. Calm down. I trust you. You must be more careful with alcohol because you’ll have more anxiety later and struggle to feel better and is not worth it just for being drunk. He told me to enjoy my trip and stop worrying. Disconnect. Enjoy. That he loved me. I told him with overwhelming certainty that I really fucking love him too.

So so now I am panicked. I feel awful both hungover and guilty. The young guy seemed nervous too this morning. Once I had moved he also moved to a different bed and the situation thankfully diffused.

i feel guilty, awful, a horrible person fucking up the one relationship I have that makes me feel whole and loved. That makes me believe I am worthy.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking for today. Your insight I suppose.

Jason, thank you for your comment too. I am trying to learn to accept my flaws and his and for the first time in life love unconditionally.