Hi Anita,

Thank you once again. I don’t feel judged or scared when I read your messages and do take all  points on board.

I have started to feel a bit a bit better since I met with my friends. When they saw I had been crying they asked why and they clarified the situation.

There was no no sexual engagement. Yes people were hugging and naturally that means leaning on each other, but not in a sexual way.

Before the hugging, they stated “nothing strange here as people are in relationships etc so no breaking of commitments”

When I said I feel like I have been unfaithful or I’m not sure my friend laughed and said “Derek you were drunk because at one point I got in between you both because you were both very nervous and uncomfortable to be in our hugging circle.”

So now I know nothing happened I’m trying to let it go. Every couple of minutes I get this dreadful feeling of fear and I’m trying to let it go.

I too want this to last last a lifetime. Even when I read Jason’s comment about “try move past his mistakes, and if you can’t move on” I felt a hot rush of fear because I could not imagine anything worse.

I think im struggling to understand that I make mistakes, like anyone, but love for me has always been so conditional, that having someone love me for who I am frightens me, so sometimes that fear I fall into old patterns, all learned from a long time ago.

I will see my therapist on monday, that should help. I’m also worried if it’s “normal” how much I have missed him whilst away, and how much I have spoken about him. I have called him everyday too and feel so relaxed when I hear him. Of course, my anxiety may kick in before and say “what if you don’t feel enough when he answers”.

Its almost like a dance of anxiety. Rejection and abandonment have made it very difficult to be close to people. So sometimes I look for ways “his flaws maybe” to push him away. Then when I’m away I feel scared, and the build up to being reunited I worry, and find it difficult to reunite, but once I’m there everything goes away and feels so safe.