Dear Anita,

this is of particular interest to me as well: becoming someone’s therapist (when not a professional therapist with a client) is a futile effort to resolve one own distress by proxy, perhaps. It never works not for “the therapist” and not for “the client”. And the efforts are driven by distress, not by calm.

I realize that my previous efforts in life to be attracted to speaking about distress with others, in my own life and in others was of course fiueled by distress itself. I am not calling myself a philanthropist for seeking out helping others. In fact, I felt the need to do so because my entire world revolved around problems. If my friend came to me with a problem, I felt often paralyzed by it, absorbing the energy, feeling a very huge need to be involved. I no longer do this as I have  A better understanding of what distresses combined with boundaries are. I understand the simple concept that when someone is sharing something with me, they are just sharing. They are not expecting me to stop my life and ponder over this again and again. I realize the root of this inability before. When It came to my mother explaining an issue about her life, it wasn’t her sharing it was her giving me the burden. Saying here take it and fix it. I am a victim I must be saved. Similarly with my sister, when she did not have my parents to support her in an appropriate way, I then took on the burden. I was unable to stop this when it came to other people. An example would be that if my friend said she was having some issues with her husband, I would think about this all day. I will check in with her multiple times, and I would feel like my entire day revolved around this as well – no matter what was going on in my own life.  It wasn’t because she asked me to, that was just my baseline way. I am getting better at compartmentalizing and not allowing myself to be some so absorbed and drained. Knowing my limits and what are true healthy limits. I do know that given that I am newly on this healing path there will be some blips in the road, and I am actively avoiding those that will be emotionally draining that’s for sure! To the best I can

So back to your comment, I took on this role of “therapist“ without being told to do so because I was acting out of distress. Like attracts like. My distress attracted the distress of others. In fact I have one friend in my life, who I am no longer continuing to be in contact with because I realize now, in my new state of mind, that my entire relationship with her was based on distress. I would explain my distress to her and she would explain hers to me, it would be in different phases of life, sometime she was struggling, sometimes I was. Looking back the whole relationship was based on this dysfunction. I never truly liked her as a person surprisingly. She is not a good person! Yet I kept in touch with her over many years! How funny it is for me to say that out loud, me an individual who I think has a pretty good head on my shoulders Was friends with someone for so long, it doesn’t matter in what capacity, with an individual that I honestly didn’t like. What a concept. This of course goes back to my mother. I never realized, such as now, that I have a choice. I can choose who I want in my life. I can choose to have boundaries. I can choose to shut some people out not because I’m selfish but because their interaction is no longer serving me and not serving them either. I have learned this concept from you, as one of the first things that you have said to me before the second part of our conversations in the last few months is that you will continue to speak to me as long as it serves you in a positive way. I truly admire you saying that because I see that as something that was very self protective. To me, You are an incredible person that loves to share your wisdom, learning, and journey, but you are also very aware of your own limitations and also your own boundaries. To be aware of one’s own limitations and boundaries creates a whole new level of self-respect and self love.   I used to think that the word limitation- was negative, limitations meant limiting. Limiting – meant not able to do. Nope. Now I see the word limitation as coinciding with boundaries = knowing when to stop, knowing when enough is enough, knowing when there is no more need to give more. Knowing yourself

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.