Dear Peaches:

I re-read your earlier posts and read the recent ones. The following became clear to me: he doesn’t see you and is not motivated to see you more than your physical body. He is not interested in what you think, what you value, what you care about, what motivates you… who you are.

It is like he has a manual of how to be a boyfriend: text the girlfriend daily and ask how she is doing (nothing in the manual about following up on the girlfriend’s answers), take care of her car if it needs fixing, mention a future together (nothing in the manual about taking into consideration what the girlfriend’s stated position about a future together).

From my experience, a man like this operates the same way in all his relationships. Unfortunately for his children, he is the same way, operating by a manual of what he thinks a good father is. Likely he doesn’t see them either, doesn’t notice what they think, feel and value.

There is no point in talking to a person like this about your thoughts, feelings, values and so on. He has no ears for such things. You can count on him to operate by the manual he has. Once you know what is in the manual, you can expect his behavior. Expecting more than what is in his manual is unrealistic.

I know from personal experience how frustrating it is to not be seen, to not be heard, to be invisible in a relationship. It is like it doesn’t matter to the other person who I am, that I could be anyone. And so, it feels like being… no one.

anita