Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction?

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This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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April 12, 2018 at 11:48 pm #202155

Peaches
Participant

Mark,

I know it may sound a little hard to believe that it has been a year and I have a hard time opening up. But I also must mention that times when I have began opening up I have gotten the impression that my thoughts were not important, so I kind of kept them short and he started doing all the talking again. He has been vulnerable with me, he has told me that the relationship he had didn’t work because the girl was basically selfish and controlling and he didn’t like that. He does take responsibility but he states he wants to move forward. Despite their relationship he maintains a pretty frequent schedule with his kids. He is a awesome father as far as I can see he is always spending money, time, and taking them to do activities, he talks about them often and shows me pictures. It is not that I don’t know discernment or know how to be strong. I would definitely say I need to work on my confidence but I don’t have a problem opening up to other people so its not like its impossible. But in a way I guess you could say his being 9 years older than me and feeling like I’m being “read” makes me feel intimidated and as I have stated at times I felt as though he just wasn’t really listening to what I had to say and that turned me off from wanting to open up altogether. If you started to start opening up and that person started to fall asleep on you, that would turn any one off. After I have listened to him pour his heart off and its my turn and I already reluctant to do so that is the reaction I get. And when I brought it to his attention he did say he was tired he works long hours 3rd shift but I felt a lack of interest on more than one occasion so its created more pressure on me when I really want to.

April 13, 2018 at 5:52 am #202207

Eliana
Participant

Hi Peaches,

I have been following this post, and while I don’t know this man..and I understand he works third shift..he’s tired..these are excuses. He has no excuses though…he does not fall asleep happily going on at length about his kids, showing you their pictures, etc. Have you ever seen a hampster on a wheel..just going round and round but going nowhere? Spinning his wheels? I feel that is what is happening here. This man does not want to invest any time or genuine interest in your life, in other words he is bored. He says he “wants to move forward” but is not walking his talk. His wanting to move “forward” seems moving backward to me, he does not sound the least bit interested in having a serious committed relationship, except with his kids, Right now his kids and his jobs take up his life and you will always be on back burner, making you feel containing frustration, resentment. We all have needs in a relationship and your needs are not being met. You can try to make up excuses for his bad and disrespectful treatment toward you, and he can make up excuses, taking the cowards way out, but only he can change. He might be the best father in the world, but it does not make him the best partner in life for you. I feel you deserve better. x

April 14, 2018 at 3:58 am #202329

Peaches
Participant

Hey Eliana
I believe I do as well! I know I am settling to a degree. I am trying to keep a optimistic mindframe about it and the possibilities because I know that I have not made myself available to him.As far as making time to spend with him. And I can’t help but feel like part of that reason is due to not wanting to go through the motions. If it doesn’t flow natural and freely I can’t force it. Even when I text about certain things for example:yesterday he mentioned he was with his kids at a park and i asked which one and sent a text about a park that I like. I received no text back of engagement “o really I like that one, or I never been there we can go there one day” Nothing! I’m getting the feeling you are right about this. And maybe he is just playing along so he doesn’t loose Me but he subconsciously senses he I am not ready for more so he is doing bare minimum. it is creating frustration in me though. He texts me every morning and through the day to see how or what Iam doing but that doesn’t cut it. I don’t ask for much but I’ve expressed my feeling of lack of interest in me as a person before and that is what he mentioned”you don think I care about you, i text you everyday to see how u are etc” like that is enough. Not to mention as I’ve stated he lives with his mother and I kind of get the feeling he is a bit of a mommas boy. He’s mentioned the fact he has put his mom before the woman he has dated an admitted that he thought that also became a issue for whom he was with. Smh I feel foolish. I know eventually I will have to move on. I have to be honest with myself and the things I’m seeing an what I want in a relationship in the future. & considering circumstances this just isn’t it. The lack of chemistry and conversation for me is a deal breaker alone though. How do i move on from this, do i tell him it’s best we move on or just let him figure it out.?Naturally sense we have been involved I have feelings for him but like i said sex is just not enough

April 14, 2018 at 4:16 am #202335
Eliana
Participant
Hi Peaches,

I have always believed in that quote you often see on Social media..”never invest more time in soneone, then what they are willing to spend with you”..

I would sit down with him, and tell him love and care for him very much, but tell him everything you wrote in your post to me. Before saying “I think we should break up” see what he says, if he still comes up with the same excuses, lame responses, 1/2 hearted attempts to bond or connect with you or show any interest in your life. See what his reaction is, chances are he won’t change. You said he is a “mommas boy” sort of a warning flag, because men are used to having their moms asking all the questions, doing the household chores, cleaning after them, helping with the kids, asking about their day, which is why he has her to talk to her about these things and invests with her, and not you. Tell him, you need more than what he is able to give. Don’t settle for any excuses, or saying he “will change” as you have had this discussion over and over, and he is not willing to show interest in your life, you are right, asking about how your day is going or impersonal texting is not enough. He simply does not want to put forth time and energy in a relationship, either because he is emotionally unavailable, or his kids, own life, pursuits, mom, means more to him than a relationship. You need a loving man who will give you the time, dedication, caring, and love you deserve, not mind games or 1/2 hearted attempts. x
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
April 14, 2018 at 9:39 pm #202425

Peaches
Participant

Hey Eliana,

Thanks for the advice. I really thought on what you said and I think I am just going to fall back for awhile. Not respond to his texts and eventually he will get the picture.And when I get good and ready to see him and he asks what happened, I will gladly let him know, that I have been working, focusing on myself and fed up with the lack of interest shown to me. Therefore I saw no point in continuing to reach out and pretend like there is a future us when there isn’t. If he’s really “worried” about me he will call and I will tell him on the phone otherwise I really don’t want to see him for a while because I find myself getting angry and just fed up. Tired of going in circles. Its no point on dwelling on matters that he fails to see as an issue so I need to shift my focus. Only then will I be able to properly receive love whenever the right man comes along. Because no matter how much I may try to convince myself or look on the bright side he is not it. Period.

April 15, 2018 at 5:20 am #202459
Eliana
Participant
Hi Peaches,

You are right, you can and will find better. You are an amazing person, and a man would be lucky to have you in his life. Don’t ever settle, and remember to set boundaries. Find out what the man values before getting too involved so you don’t get hurt. Now, I need to follow my own advice. Please keep us posted, or feel free to post again. x
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
April 15, 2018 at 6:00 am #202469

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peaches:

I re-read your earlier posts and read the recent ones. The following became clear to me: he doesn’t see you and is not motivated to see you more than your physical body. He is not interested in what you think, what you value, what you care about, what motivates you… who you are.

It is like he has a manual of how to be a boyfriend: text the girlfriend daily and ask how she is doing (nothing in the manual about following up on the girlfriend’s answers), take care of her car if it needs fixing, mention a future together (nothing in the manual about taking into consideration what the girlfriend’s stated position about a future together).

From my experience, a man like this operates the same way in all his relationships. Unfortunately for his children, he is the same way, operating by a manual of what he thinks a good father is. Likely he doesn’t see them either, doesn’t notice what they think, feel and value.

There is no point in talking to a person like this about your thoughts, feelings, values and so on. He has no ears for such things. You can count on him to operate by the manual he has. Once you know what is in the manual, you can expect his behavior. Expecting more than what is in his manual is unrealistic.

I know from personal experience how frustrating it is to not be seen, to not be heard, to be invisible in a relationship. It is like it doesn’t matter to the other person who I am, that I could be anyone. And so, it feels like being… no one.

anita

April 15, 2018 at 4:17 pm #202557

Peaches
Participant

Hey Eliana
thank you for your help I will definitely keep you posted. I feel the same I must take my own advice listening to ourselves is important. Finding someone to keep company is not the same thing as finding compatibility. Smh. I’ve compromised in this situation out of loneliness and sexual desire but neither one is as bad as leaving hurt and even more dissatisfied than before. must be more disciplined….an find peace alone. but I’m learning more and more.

April 15, 2018 at 4:17 pm #202559

Peaches
Participant

Hi Anita
Yes you hit the nail with that! That’s exactly how i feel like I’m not existent I just co exist. it’s very disheartening and it makes me feel less than. Like I’m not important, interesting or good enough to know on a deeper level which is far from the case. The things that I have mentioned to him about my life and self are merely surface considering what could be and should be discussed.And I can’t go on pretending like that doesn’t bother me when it really does. It really sucks. I think that you are right it says alot about what he thinks a woman is to a man to me. Pretty much says she is just some one to come along for the ride. That’s unacceptable and belittling to say the least. I know what i need to do now.. thank u for your help.

April 15, 2018 at 4:40 pm #202569

Mark
Participant

Peaches,

If the relationship is unbalanced where you are doing more emotionally than your boyfriend then it can be difficult to be open and vulnerable with him. I believe is what you see is what you get and trying to change someone is a losing proposition.

You have communicated clearly several times what you need out of the relationship and he is not stepping up to meet your needs.

It sounds like that is not an acceptable relationship for you to have. You want someone you can be emotionally intimate with and be able to trust. You want that closeness, connection and support from your romantic partner.

You are not getting that from him.

How to communicate that you want to move on? I always believe in direct and honest communication. That is the most compassionate way of letting someone know about what is going on. There is less chance of misunderstanding. People worry about hurting the other’s feelings. I say BS on that. We are responsible for how we feel. If we come from the place of compassion and not of malice then it is up to the other person deal with the message.

You know what you need and you are not getting that from this relationship. Honor yourself, your needs.

Mark

April 16, 2018 at 4:51 am #202613

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peaches:

You are welcome. I think that it is a very good idea for you to end this relationship. This way you will be available for a relationship where you not just a “some one to come along for the ride”, but a valuable person with many thoughts and deep feelings, one who needs to be seen and heard.

anita
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