Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction?

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This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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April 7, 2018 at 11:05 pm #201249

Peaches
Participant

So I been dating this guy for a year now. We met on a social app. We went out a few times and then our relationship became physical. We get along well although I find it hard to open up at times because he does a lot more talking than i.. He is 9 years older than myself. He has children both age two and myself has none. We haven’t made it official and I haven’t met his kids yet but he has shown me many pictures and is a very good father to them. I have no problem accepting his children and being apart of their lives but I question if in fact he makes remarks to get a reaction out of me(manipulation) or if he truly wants for me to be his and build a family. Considering our relationship has been more physical than anything, at times I joke around and question if that’s all it is to him and he reassures me that it isn’t, he cares about and loves me and more recently stated if in fact we are to move forward I would need to meet his kids. But in midst at times he make comments/jokes like ” do you think your dad will like me?… Yea cause we about to make a family your going to have my twins?lol, but o yea you not my woman you my boo…” When he does I kind of freeze up because Ive conveyed to him my feelings about the timing. Im still finding myself etc and I don’t want to make a commitment unless I in my heart am ready to be completely dedicated.He recently admitted that he says these things because my face shows a reaction and now it just makes me all together uneasy about him. I feel like ITs a little unfair to me. Its not as if I don’t want those things in the future but right now isn’t the time for them in which I have conveyed and its like he’s playing on that aspect. (Mind you, he is older and I’m sure he can sense the hesitation an fear from me on those topics). Would u say he is using the power of manipulation to keep me around or I am just being overly sensitive and need to lighten up and those are things he really wants with me?

April 8, 2018 at 12:09 am #201255

Mark
Participant

You just met. You two are trying to figure the usual “are we compatible or not?” thing. Actions speak louder than word, e.g. “he reassures me that it isn’t…

You don’t state your age but you did say that you are still finding yourself..

Great that you are wondering/asking the questions that you are asking….

My take (this is coming from a 50+ year old man who has been married) is that you have a sexual relationship and that may or may not be nothing more than that.

If you want more then you may want to stop that part of your relationship and catch up on the other aspects which you want (??), i.e. emotional, spiritual, etc. connection rather than the sexual one.

This way you know that this is what both of you want.

Basically, you need to figure out what you really want out of the relationship… whether it is purely sexual or something more.

Mark

April 8, 2018 at 12:11 am #201257
Peaches
Participant
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Peaches.
April 8, 2018 at 12:14 am #201261

Peaches
Participant

Ok thank you for your response that is very helpful. You are right I have a lot of evaluating to do.

April 8, 2018 at 3:56 am #201277
Eliana
Participant
Hi Peaches,

I see a few red flags concerning your post and with this man. First, is this the way he really talks? I don’t think I would want a man who does not have very good grammar. He does not sound very educated. It does sound like he is giving you mixed signals..such as calling you his “boo” and not his “woman” “boo” is a term sounding like something teenagers use, not a grown man.

He does sound like he is controlling the relationship. He will not “do this” or “do that” until you “do this” or “do that” such as meeting his parents or kids. The relationship should be a safe, secure, open without any demands, control or high expectations or any doubt. The fact that you are having doubts after a year, brings up that you don’t feel very secure about him, and I don’t blame you. You also expressed, you are also not very open with him..and that he “does all the talking” another sign of a controlling aspect. Or he shows no interest in your life, your family, your hobbies, friends, and it’s all about his parents, kids, then this is controlling and shows a lack of respect for you on his part. It sounds that there is a part of you that subconsciously has a fear or is intimated by him, and perhaps is holding you back from having a “give and take” form of communication with him, or expressing your needs. Everyone in a relationship wants to be heard, and it sounds like he is not the “listening type, it’s all about him. Many men, that people meet on Social media, unfortunately does not work out. Usually, they are on there talking to other women on Facebook, Instagram, etc. I caught this man, whom I met on Facebook, who claimed to “love me” going behind my back. There is an application, free of charge that checks to see what your partner is up to. What sites he is on, social media, New accounts he has opened up such as online dating sites, etc. It is called Truth Finder dot com. It works! I was shocked to see this guy who “claimed” to love me, had just created a profile on Match, tinder, e-Harmony, etc. I’m not saying this guy will. But it couldn’t hurt, because he does not sound genuine or sincere. Be careful about committing. x
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
April 8, 2018 at 5:19 am #201311

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peaches:

I don’t understand: you wrote, “I’ve conveyed to him my feelings about the timing”- what feelings regarding what timing?

You wrote, “He recently admitted that he says these things because my face shows a reaction”- what reaction specifically to what thing (a couple of examples will help).

Also, what is it that you want from this relationship?

anita

April 8, 2018 at 10:05 am #201331

Peaches
Participant

Hi Eliana
Hi Anita
I appreciate your feedback. I absolutely agree with you on the fact that he is pretty much controlling our relationship. Although as i mentioned we have not made it official with one another…him joking around that I will be his “future wife” etc makes me question if he takes being with me seriously. He doesn’t inquire too much into things that I want in life too much but being that I am intimidated to a degree i can’t say it is his fault because I don’t feel comfortable letting myself be vulnerable and truly open up. It’s really hard to decipher things for myself. He is a caring person I know if I needed him I could call him an when i have he has always been supportive for example:if i need a ride & car needs work he is the type to find me a mechanic and pay if need it no questions asked, if I’m hungry, need money. I think about a future with him because we have been involved this long but I do get fearful. Mainly because Iam not 100% happy with my life & secure within.I feel like I need to pull back completely an allow myself to grow and find happiness individually to find true happiness collectively. But i don’t really know how to tell him that. He texts/calls me everyday & checks on me but I don’t want to invest energy into pouring out thesefeelings and allow him to have a space of even more control so what do you suggest.? Do i just text him less and less until he gets the signal or what?

April 8, 2018 at 10:21 am #201333

Peaches
Participant

Hey Anita
I conveyed my feelings meaning that I’ve let him know that I am not ready for a relationship right now. We are pretty much just friends with benefits. Example for my reaction is what I mentioned like”1.You going to be my wife you don’t even know 2.Do you think your dad would like me? 3.When Are you going to think about getting a man?4. Are you going to move in with me? 5. You going 5lto have my twins lol. it’s like he is entertaining these ideas of us having a future outside of sex but him making a comment about seeing my reaction which is “shock,fear,and unease” is what makes me wonder if he even takes me seriously in the aspect of us being in a commited relationship together.I understand joking around every now an then but these things are brought up regularly and I wonder if it’s to make me feel like it’s not just about sex when it really is. I hope this is clearer for you.what do u think I should do here. Thanks for feedback

April 8, 2018 at 12:32 pm #201337

Peaches
Participant

Also Elliana, would you recommend it wise for me to look him up on truthfinder to find out what exactly he is up to

April 9, 2018 at 5:26 am #201427

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peaches:

The key sentence in your posts, for me, is: “I don’t want to invest energy into pouring out these feelings and allow him to have a space of even more control“-

I don’t see in your shares any evidence that he is a controlling man, that he mistreats you in any way. I think that your fear of being controlled existed before you met him and is not about his behavior.

In your fear of being controlled, of being hurt, you give him conflicting messages. On one hand, “I’ve let him know that I am not ready for a relationship right now” and on the other hand, “At times I joke around and question if that’ s (sex) all it is to him and he reassures me that it isn’t”. You give him double messages: that you are not interested in a relationship beyond what it is and that you are interested.

It is possible that he makes these comments regularly because he wants you to be interested in a committed relationship with him. I don’t know. If I was you, I would ask him just that.

But you don’t ask him why he makes these comments. Instead, you “freeze up”, and you wrote: “I’m sure he can sense the hesitation and fear from me on those topics” and “He doesn’t inquire too much into things that I want in life… I can’t say it is his fault because I don’t feel comfortable letting myself be vulnerable and truly open up”

You asked me what should you do. My answer is to communicate with him honestly, no longer joke around but actually talk, ask questions, listen for answers. Share your feelings. Share your conflict. Do it a bit at a time, because you are scared. Tell him you are scared, start with that: tell him that you are afraid to be hurt.

If you would like to share more about what you are afraid of, what it means to you, to be controlled, please do.

anita

April 9, 2018 at 6:42 am #201433
Eliana
Participant
Hi Peaches,

Sorry for my delay, for some reason, could not get on here yesterday afternoon. To answer your question. I think the best thing for you right now is to get a peice of paper. In one column, write down..”what am I looking for in a man? Are you looking for casual dating? A committed relationship? Fun? Dating? Sex? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? In another column write down your boundaries, and what you will not tolerate. Before you embark on any relationship, you need to get to know what is is you really want. If you don’t, you will attract emotionally unavailable men and toxic, unsafe Pattern of relationships.

What are your goals? Hobbies? Fears? Dreams? Interests? Write this down. Write down what may be preventing you from sharing this with a man and letting yourself be known by a man and vulnerable. It is when we are vulnerable, we are most loveable, as we show our true selves. Explore your fears. Did they develop in unmet needs in childhood? Is this a reoccurring pattern during all of your relationships? Perhaps this could be explored with a trusted therapist or counselor. x
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
April 10, 2018 at 5:42 am #201609

Peaches
Participant

Hey Eliana
I have in fact been in controlling and toxic relationships.All of my previous relationships involved both and damaged my already not so high self esteem. From being cheated on, given a std(cured and years ago thank God), to being physically assaulted,verbally abused and put out of an Apartment I shared with someone who claimed to love me. I have been through alot. It’s safe to say that I did not know my worth and men manipulated that about me. And when i found someone i thought was right they had turned out to be a jerk and i was wrong.At this point i have had a chance to be on my own a while and reflect but I don’t think that’s enough,therapy would be a great idea. I need to strengthen my confidence (and I find talking to you all helps).But Everything costs, I can’t afford those sessions. if you have any idea where I can go for free counseling or any references I am open to suggestions. You ask what i want i TRULY want compatibility to sum up a great friendship an bond with someone I can be myself around an grow with. Nothing outside of the norm I want to know that they truly love me,value me, and will be there and we can build.Clearly I am working on myself so I’m in no rush to jump back in a relationship which is why I haven chosen to commit with him yet. But i won’t do so until I know for a fact this time will be different than the rest. otherwise I can stay single.

April 10, 2018 at 6:17 am #201611

Peaches
Participant

Hey Anita
I guess I misquote that. He is a kind and understanding man but when you are honest and vulnerable sometimes ppl use it against you. my fears are that I won’t live up to what is expected, that I will get my heart broken again, and appear unworthy “too young” or not good enough to his mom/family. Ultimately that I will be let down and end up single again. I know that I will eventually have to let my guard down and take a chance if i want a honest relationship but I’m Leary because I have found out somethings that I do not like and worries me. For instance he has a terrible driving record, had a recent ovi so you can imagine all the fines he has etc. I also don’t like he lives with his mother. Although he takes care of her because she is sick is a great provider, i don’t want to be in a predicament that hinders me. I need someone with stability and can help me too. It’s like I don’t want to give up on him because he is a good man but all these uncertainties overwhelm me and I Hey Anita
I guess I misquote that. He is a kind and understanding man but when you are honest and vulnerable sometimes ppl use it against you. my fears are that I won’t live up to what is expected, that I will get my heart broken again, and appear unworthy “too young” or not good enough to his mom/family. Ultimately that I will be let down and end up single again. I know that I will eventually have to let my guard down and take a chance if i want a honest relationship but I’m Leary because I have found out somethings that I do not like and worries me. For instance he has a terrible driving record, had a recent ovi so you can imagine all the fines he has etc. I also don’t like he lives with his mother. Although he takes care of her because she is sick is a great provider, i don’t want to be in a predicament that hinders me. I need someone with stability and can help me too. It’s like I don’t want to give up on him because he is a good man but all these uncertainties overwhelm me and I find myself as i said frozen. I have to get over my anxiety if we are going to get anywhere. But I’ve taken the role of listener, as he vent’s an when it’s time to open up I honestly don’t even know where to start an over thinking wondering if he has interest in my thoughts. it’s ridiculous I can imagine how this sounds, well if yu have any suggestions or other thoughts I’ll check back. Thanks

April 10, 2018 at 7:22 am #201625

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peaches:

I read your recent two posts. I understand why you are so cautious, careful. You stated very clearly that you will not commit to him (and I assume this applies to any man) “until I know for a fact this time will be different than the rest. Otherwise I can stay single”

What I suggest is that for the purpose of maximizing your chances of heaving a good relationship, different than all the rest, before, that you ask him questions and listen to his answers, share with him your fears, your thoughts and listen to his feedback.

How else will you get to know him better and evaluate, over time, if indeed it is likely to be different this time?

I understand that it is difficult for you to open up to him, but again, I don’t see any other way for you to learn about him, to know who he is, if he is indeed trustworthy and a good potential partner in life.

There are no guarantees, of course, but you can do a whole lot to increase your chances of a good relationship, to make a good choice.

You mentioned his driving record. Any man will have about his life and past things that are not desirable. Some of these things may be deal breakers, other things manageable in the context of the bigger picture.

What if you asked him what he thinks of you, what he believes he knows about you. I wonder if he knows much about you and if what he knows is accurate. You can check that by asking him. If you do, prepare that he might ask you the same. This could be an interesting and very informative exercise.

anita

April 10, 2018 at 2:17 pm #201677

Mark
Participant

Peaches,

You have been in this relationship for a year. You are afraid of being vulnerable and sharing too much of yourself. Does he share himself with you? Is he being vulnerable with you?

You have not shared about the mother of his children and what happened with that relationship. There is a lot to be learned from people’s past relationships. How was that marriage? What broke that up? Has he taken responsibility about his part in that? What sort of father is he?

As I see with any relationship, there is no timetable or rush in getting to know the other. If you need to practice sharing yourself in tiny bits then do so. You don’t have to totally open yourself up. Learn boundaries. Learn self confidence. Learn discernment. Learn to be strong.

Mark
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