Hello Everyone,

I stumbled across Tiny Buddha after reading a post on Facebook.  I love it!  The postings help me stay grounded and bring me a lot of peace.  I also love the forums, which help me figure out solutions to my own problems, and give me the chance to offer support and a perspective that might help someone else.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where love was there in name, but it was a conditional kind of love.  My mom was an alcoholic.  In spite of this, I loved her and miss her.  She was a stay at home mom.  She could be funny and was practical and perceptive, but was also sick a lot, tired, depressed, and would yell a lot.  When I think about things analytically, she was sick because it was more socially acceptable to say “I don’t feel well” than it was to say “I had too much to drink last night, I’m depressed and I can’t function in the adult world.”  To this day, I have an extreme aversion to anyone, other than my kids, talking about “not feeling good”.  When someone says that I think “Here we go!”  And I kind of shut down and close the door on any compassion or empathy.  I don’t like that about myself, but I understand why I am that way.

She did go to rehab once for her drinking.  I remember visiting her and trying very hard to make her happy.  In fact, I spent a disproportional amount of time doing things because I wanted her to just. be. happy.  I won’t say I lived my life for her because at the time, I thought I was just being a loving, caring daughter.  But I see it now as being more of a co-dependent relationship.  When I was 18 or 19, after she had been to rehab, I started going to meetings for families of alcoholics and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).  I tried talking to my mom once about her drinking.  She got mad and we never talked about it again.  There is a good example of the conditional love – “I will love you as long as you continue being in denial about my drinking and all the chaos involved with it.”

I tried talking with one of my brothers about my mom’s drinking, and he talked to my dad – my dad got mad.  And then my brother was mad at me. Very messed up.  By this time, my other brother was into drugs and drinking, and had already had one or two DUI’s.  My sister was – and still is – angry, and thinks it is only about the fact that my mother was an alcoholic.  However, it was and is a family problem.

Throughout all of this, my dad tried to control everything around my mom to make her less depressed and anxious, including controlling my three siblings and I.   We lost all sense of boundaries and also lost the chance to just be ourselves.  We became kids who could cope and function in an alcoholic household, and not in a healthy way.  There has been a lot of emotional damage.  We had expectations of us that were beyond what we should have had to deal with as kids.  It was only a few years ago I realized I can’t remember a time my dad ever said anything positive or supportive or even loving to me.  He didn’t yell, but he was cold and critical.  In an ironic way, this has helped me be a better mom in that I tell my kids I love them, I try to correct any wrongs I might do along the way, and I try in my very awkward way to talk with them about things that are hard to talk about.

It has taken me a looooooong time to understand boundaries, what I am and am not responsible for, and to learn better ways of coping with all that life throws at you.  It has taken an equally looooooong time for me to reconcile all the feelings that come with growing up in a dysfunctional atmosphere and change behaviors that sabatoge the life I wanted to live and am living today.

The life I am living today includes an almost 30 year marriage to a guy who also grew up in an alcoholic family.  As much as I want to say that foundation has given my husband and I a strong marriage, it really hasn’t. The good thing, though, is that both he and I had been to meetings to learn about alcoholism and how it affected us.  Still, we have hit many bumps in our marriage, and have been to counseling several times.

We have 4 kids who have each taught me so very much.  I have learned from each one that I am capable of doing far more than I ever thought I could.   Our daughter, who has special needs, taught me about unconditional love in every sense of the word.  I am grateful because even though I would hear about unconditional love, I really didn’t know what it was until we had our daughter.

We also have three sons.  Two are grown and living independently.  The third one has complex, lifelong medical needs after having a brain tumor.  He has taught me about acceptance, and how maintaining a positive outlook can make or break a bad situation.  I encourage him to pursue life on his terms, in spite of his circumstances.

I’ve had my own struggles with relationships and with being aware of how I truly feel about anything.  I have trouble getting angry, or recognizing where anger is appropriate and justified.  I have friends, but I trust no one, and with the exception of my kids, I find it safer to be detached from most people and situations.

However, I am probably at the most peaceful place in my life, ever.  I feel confident in my ability to handle anything else that might come my way, good bad or otherwise.  Part of that is because of age, and part of it is life experience, for sure.

Thanks for reading my story, and I will see you in the forums.

Airene