Dear Anita,

Thank you for your advice and for being so understanding. I have started to become more assertive about who I associate with in my life because some people just take from me and never give anything in return or others dump their emotional baggage on me to carry their burdens. While I can make time for the people who count in my life, I am still working on shielding myself from emotional criticisms and burdens that people like my parents will dump on me. My parents have never truly been there for me emotionally, but they sometimes ask me to shoulder their burdens when they have emotional problems. Ever since I have begun taking a Mindfulness Stress Reduction meditation seminar at Ocean County College, I have become more relaxed and more focused on the tasks that I must do. However, I find that my parents will criticize me for taking certain paths in a specific set of steps because they feel the way I proceed with some things falls outside their expectations of what they think should occur. I believe that everyone must forge their own stepping stones in life and sometimes people take different paths toward their goals because they do what’s most important to them first or what they feel matters to get done before going to another step. Everyone takes different paths to achieve their goals and there is not a set path for people to follow, sometimes I feel like my parents think there is a set path for me to follow and when I step outside the bounds they think I’m going to be lost in life or being irresponsible. Their layout of my life is to graduate from community college with honors, apply to a four year university and get some work experience and possibly graduate the four year university and enter the work force. However, my plans aren’t as concrete as that though because I also have to continue my education to a doctorates degree because I want to become a genetic engineer and do scientific research in a laboratory. They think I’m not applying my mental dedication enough to the important tasks at hand which in their view is that I spend all of my time working on my education, all of my time learning about how to do house repairs, all of my time learning how to budget money wisely because they feel I don’t have what they term as the essential life skills to survive on my own in this world. They believe I should spend less of my time in creative endeavors like being out in nature (which helps me relax), hanging out with friends (Ocean Pride LGBT group has helped me better understand myself) and also that a lot of the stuff I learn isn’t all important. I believe nothing learned is unimportant because the more you know, the more connections you can make and the better you understand the world and yourself and don’t make prejudiced assumptions. I have become more withdrawn from my parents and rely on my friends more for emotional support because I feel they never “hear” or understand with clarity who I am as a person or truly understand my intentions and how I proceed in my life when I explain things to them. The question is How do I know that I am being true to myself and not just taking on the burdens of others. Another question is When people put the burdens on me, how do I protect myself or not make myself carry their burdens? It seems like the more I want to plan my stepping stones out my way and do a different circuit path to my goals than my parents’ expectations, they think I am wasting my life or not going to make it out in society because  will be ostracized. I know I want to be true to myself and do what makes me happy. I am thinking of transitioning and seeking hormones possibly when I am 25 years old which is when I have graduated from a four-year university and may have a job and may not be living with my parents. I know when I turn 21, I will be applying to four year universities and living in a dorm so I won’t be under my parents much, but my parents have expressed that they won’t support me financially if I transition then and I’m not sure I can have enough money to pay for college without their support so I’m going to wait until I’m 25. Currently, I struggle with gender dysphoria at times but it’s not too bad because I’ve also gone to a therapist to talk about it and it makes me feel better. Sometimes I feel slightly spaced out in my mind, but that I because I am trying to protect myself from my insecurities and the pain of criticisms that people may put on me. It’s a form of numbing the pain because I can be tired of the criticisms and my inner critic that berates me at times, but Mindfulness Stress Reduction seminar has helped me be more aware of my emotions and to prevent me from numbing and acknowledging the feelings and accepting it so I can let them go rather than creating false layers to protect myself and losing more of myself. My self-confidence is still in its process of growing and somewhat shaky which is why it can be hard when I feel like I’m in an environment that I will be exposed to criticism that might break the fragile self-esteem I’ve built up. I feel on-guard and self-conscious at times and wish I wasn’t always this way. Other questions are How do I stop feeling self-conscious and stop my inner critic from thinking that others are judging me negatively? When people criticize me, how do I know which fights to spend my energy on in my defense and which ones to walk away from? Even if I walk away from them or just take the criticism, I often feel like there is a void and it still shakes my self-esteem and then I feel like I’m carrying another’s burden even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to carry the burdens of others or the criticisms of my parents, but it seems like they keep dumping it on me whether I choose to engage it or not. Is it selfish for me to distance myself from them and surround myself with a protective bubble and not listen to the negativity? How do I do this without appearing like I’m just ignoring them and being disrespectful?

Also at my college, I have been using the name Janus because he is the Roman god of new beginnings and transitioning. His name lends to the month of January in which I was born. Socially transitioning and seeking therapy has been a new beginning for me and I feel like I’m closer to finding myself.