Hello Anita,

Wow how profund.  I think you hit the nail on the head.  In fact, in some ways I “appreciate” not feeling excited – as it feels good to be “mellow and calm.” More of a steadier baseline than an erratic rollercoaster. yet with that comes a limitation of “feel good.”

Seeing what you wrote above it makes perfect sense.  You’re right my mother caused immense over activation, to the point of burnout.  Chronic levels of high excitement, or anxiety, are A) not healthy or sustainable and B) highly unpleasant for so long that it leads to the opposite of low feeling and depression-like state over time.

As a result, I am shielding from over excitement, as it is feels unpleasant.  it does (no matter what the culprit, whether it is positive and a normal thing that would ideally lead to joy – or negative leading to anger activation).

In a way it feels good to be at a low baseline instead of up and down.  There is still a tremendous amount of healing that needs to be doneof course too.  Slowly I am purging myself of many emotions associated with all of the trauma. As that continues there will be more space for new memories and things like joy…