Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

I am still not strong enough to read back through your messages yet – but believe me when I say, I will when I’m ready.

I am processing a lot, and coming to terms with a lot. To the point where I am at this critical moment in my life where I know all the things that I need to face.

You know my history – and the psychological abuse I have drilled in to my head by my parents. From recent events I have had quite a harsh awakening to what is going on in my mind :'( I am intense with people, and focus on others too much – because the reality is, when I am by myself, when I am calm – I hear their voices. I hear voices, about myself. “Awful” “Selfish” “Loves himself” “crazy” “normal” and many other things :'( These voices are pretty consistent throughout my waking hours.

It upsets me when I think about it, but this is my reality and it hurts like hell.
Growing up, it was drilled in to me that I was selfish if I lived for myself – or did things for my own enjoyment. Which is why I can’t play videogames anymore. To the point where I feel selfish if I wash or shower etc.

Positive note – I made the decision the other today to wake up and live for myself. Since doing so, I have been washing, putting on clothes, reading, playing guitar etc. And slowly practicing living for myself, and if my mind drifts off to other people, I put the focus back on to my own life again.

It is so hard Anita. So hard.

All my life I’ve been looking for someone to tell me that it’s okay to live for myself, and that I’m not selfish. I’ve been looking for so long for someone to tell me that. Please can you confirm this as well for me??

I have my mental health assessment tomorrow.
I will give you and update afterwards.

Cat