Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well and in good health.

I had my mental health assessment last Wednesday – I showed the assessor the post that you said too as well.
I told her everything, and was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder’ – I have been recommended CBT and also to go on antipsychotics before bed, which will hopefully help with the voices and help me to sleep.

At the moment, life is both great but bad at the same time. It’s great because from everything thats happened, I feel as though I am even more strongly connected to my faith/ the Universe at the moment, which is picking me up when I feel low. I reconnect with this faith when I feel overwhelmed, and I send my worries, wishes and prayers out to the universe. At the moment I am coming to terms with my diagnosis and recognising how that has affected me and my relationships throughout my life… It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I am very much in tune and have great self esteem about my life and the person I am, but other times I feel unmotivated and lack self-esteem in all areas of my life…. In these periods I have learnt not to fight it anymore, but to accept that feeling and sit with it until it passes.

In terms of living for myself, I guess I find that hard. Especially because I care so much about other people and the world, and for a long time I’ve felt like it is selfish for me to be healthy, give myself treats etc. when I know that so many others in the world are starving, or not able to live a life as privileged and free as mine is. In a way I guess I have been suffering for solidarity – be it for my parents, sister, children in sweatshops across the globe, abused animals and children etc etc. I find it hard not to think about these things. Can you relate to this?

I said the other day, that I chose to wake up and live for something else – and for me, that was punk. I am still striving to stay true to this, and to wake up every morning in devotion to my life, and to devotion to the hope that maybe one day I will be able to have the talent and confidence to be in a band and raising even more awareness about issues I just mentioned. I tell myself this when I need to eat. I know I must eat for myself, and be healthy for myself, but if my health and ability eventually leads to being able to make a difference in the world – then that to me is motivation.

It is hard. Very hard. Putting myself first in each moment and not feeling selfish or guilty doing so. I have had to reduce my  contact with people so I am not focusing on them at all. I’ve stopped doing promotion – because I was putting so much worth in other bands and artists, whereas now I need to be doing that for myself. I have deactivated my facebook account, because it isn’t healthy for me, and going on there just reminds me of Noel and the intensity of messages, and how things ended etc. My life has gotten better without it, so I intend to never go back on.

It feels like… I am in the process of letting go of the person I thought I should be, and working towards the person that I want to be. Very strange feeling. Very strange and a consistent effort.

I have also reduced contact with my sister. Before my breakdown, and whilst, she would call me up crying with despair about her relationship with her wife. This happens ALOT. And all it brings me is heartache, despair, and constant worry about her wellbeing. I have tried many times to give her advice, and sent her loads of links to helplines, womens refuges etc. But she hasn’t taken it upon herself to do that. I have mixed emotions about it all – as a sister I love her, and I am sorry for what she had to go through as a child. I want her to be well, and a part of me feels responsible for her.

Then at the same time, the way that she speaks is extremely adamant, harsh and hard-hearted and I find it difficult to communicate with her when I am in a state of overcoming those things in myself. If that makes sense. I feel as though she is trapped in a mental cycle of believing who she is/ believing that that is her life forever. As much as I can try, I do not think that anything I can say or do can help her change herself or her life – she must have the willpower to do that by herself – do you agree with me on this?

I also think that her having a co-dependent relationship with me, wouldn’t be good for either of us as well. I try and explain these things to her sometimes, but she gets funny and sees it as me abandoning her and then threatens to stop the relationship. It is hard to say the least….. I have experienced abuse from her in the past, and sometimes I do debate whether I should have her in my life or not. She expects me to help and provide all the answers, but I can’t. Because it pulls me in to that unhealthy dynamic which I am strongly trying to overcome in my life.

At the moment we are communicating via email. I will see how it goes.

Your thoughts on all this will be much appreciated,
Thank you,

Cat