Dear Anita,

I’m glad that you are well.

It isn’t just nightmares, but I get extreme nightmares as well, which I am hoping the antipsychotics will help with.
With the voices – I hear them in the voices of my parents and other people. In the past I strongly believed that people were talking about me or thinking about me – always just comments about me. I think this is more than the inner critic voice, as sometimes I literally HEAR them.

With the nightmares – I get them really bad. They are intense and I wake up in a really rough depressed mood, even if I can’t remember what happened. Most of the time in them I am trying to make someone listen, or I am trying to save something or someone. Sometimes it is about saving animals from being abused. Sometimes my parents have been in them. I am ALWAYS trying to be listened to.

No, I don’t think I was born with it. I think that I had severe depression growing up because of being witness and victim to my parents abuse. I think that BPD developed…. maybe in my teens? It’s hard to say really. I was always very dissociated from myself growing up, through my teens and some of my teenage years. It was only at the age of 18/19 that I started self-analysis.

Could you elaborate on what you mean? There’s a lack of mental health? What do you mean by this, and do you see this as a root cause problem in society?

In terms of being priviledged and free – I guess I think that because I live in Western Society. I live in a city where there is so much opportunity. I have food available me constantly in so many shops. I can buy cigarettes. I cna get a bus or get a train, I can get a plane. I can choose my job etc. Is this not privileged? What is your opinion on this?

I feel so lucky in comparison to the poor children in sweatshops across the world.

Free – I guess I am free to express myself as I want to – with what I write, wear, say etc. The only thing I fear is judgement and bullies. But apart from that, I am free, there isn’t a strict regime that means I cannot do any of these things.

My motivation really is to be a good person. I guess that’s my motivation…. I have another desire within me… I think it’s a desire to express myself FULLY. As I don’t feel like I have reached that yet. OR my desire is to be able to see myself with CLEARNESS and CLARITY and get a good grasp on who I am.

What do you think it means to be a good person?

RE: my sister – she said that talking to me helps her :'( But hearing that makes me sad, to think that I might be the only thing in her life that is giving her joy. I love her. But it’s so hard for me to be in that position of getting the phonecalls of her in tears. I feel like I’m being an awful sister by distancing myself from her for a while. It’s just so much pressure on me to know that she’s in that position – but then have her not do anything about it. It feels like its my responsibility. Is it??? What should I do in this situation? She needs to learn to be able to depend on herself and her own strength. Very difficult position to be in.

Cat