Dear Anita,

Here are the 2 emails that I sent my sister. I will send these, and write another message in response to what you said.
I will remove the names etc.

Email on May 5th:

Dear [sisters nickname],

Trigger warning – lots of things.

Hope this email finds you well. Apologies if I take a while to reply. I’ve been coming to terms with things/ my life etc. And yes, you are right. Sometimes I get spells of real heart pain and sadness, so I just have to lie down, nearly cry and wait til the sadness stops. This sometimes happens when I am in public, so I like to be by myself a lot, and put my headphones on and just walk.

Apart from those times – my housemate [housemate name] is a REALLY good influence on me. She’s positive, healthy and encourages me not to be in my bedroom all the time. I am lucky to have her in my life. I’ve been channelling my emotions in to lyrics for my new band!!!! It’s going to be so good, and a really good outlet for me. Doing it, feels like I am completing a part of myself that I’ve been looking for since I was 6.

I’ve come to realise recently, that the only people that can change our lives are ourselves. So I’ve really been pushing myself to get up and do things.

With the voices – I CONSTANTLY hear: awful, mentalm stupid, crazy, mad, insane, riot grrrl, shit, musician, band, punk scene, promoter, gig, horrible etc etc.
I think he voices have built up over years of hearing [mums name] being REALLY horrible and negative about SO many things. They were both EXTREMELY negative people and if I’m honest, they had no aspirations, goals, dreams or anything yknow? They just accepted that life was going to be that way forever – just complaining and not doing anything about stuff.

The voices get louder, when I – dress the way I want to, and when I’m playing punk music. To me, this is a sign, that those are the things I need to do, in order to defeat those voices once and for all. I’m being extremely serious. It takes me a lot of courage each day to get out of bed and fight the voices – which deep down, I know are the wishes of my parents who DON’T want to see me succeed.

For years, I’ve not pushed myself to do things because I’ve internalised their lack of belief in me. They would NEVER believe or support me to be in a band or be a rock chic. So I’ve never done it. I’ve just toed the line, went to uni etc etc. But DEEP DOWN, my PASSION lies in EXPRESSION. And now, I live to put on my emo/ goth make-up, awesome clothes, fishnets etc etc and BE ME.

Going through all of this has awakened me to discover parts of myself that I’ve been holding myself back from being.

In life – you can let the voices, the put downs, and the insults win every day, and not do anything OR you can FORCE yourself, to literally stand up, hear the voices, and force yourself out of the house to go for a run. The voices are in your head, NOT reality. The comments we think are from THEM, no one else.

THEY don’t want us to succeed but ALOT of people do.

I want to see YOU succeed in life. So tell me this – what are you holding yourself back from doing? What is deep inside the heart of [sisters name]? Who is that person in there screaming to get out? A poet? Actor? Singer? What is it [sisters name]?????? There’s something in there I know it, and all you need to do, is forget the person that you think you are, and ALLOW yourself to be the person that you are – despite the person that [sisters wife’s name] thinks you are as well.

Also, random – but have you ever seen [name of my favourite music video] video??
If not it’s on youtube – check it out. Look at their fashion in it. Especially the girls. THAT’S the kind of thing I LOVE!!

Also, I’m so glad I deactivated my facebook account. I realised the other day I’d spend all my time thinking about other people, and not be focusing on me, It’s liberating being able to live my day, eat what I want, do what I want, and then reply to other people when I can.

You don’t owe anyone anything, apart from the same amount of respect they show you.

If you want to go for a run, then go.
If you and [sisters wife name] want a divorce, then you’re going to have to both be adults and sit down and work out a plan TOGETHER – it doesn’t have to be a constant war the whole time.
If you need more money in order to fund your life – make it happen – get a cash in hand job, save up. Or talk to the bank about your situation, and see what they can do.
The world is supposed to work FOR you, as long as you are honest. Many times I’ve been given more money from the bank just from explaining my situation etc.
If you want to change your life – start today and put a plan in place.
Nothing is impossible – everything is doable.
Don’t waste your life sitting around, complaining about what you can’t or won’t do, because then nothing will change. You HAVE to force yourself to be positive enough to start a logical plan, regardless of how hard it is or how long it will take – in the long run, it will pay off a lot more than you staying in a marriage that’s abusive, and not dealing with your own life.

Don’t be lazy and apathetic like they were- you saw how that ends out – a loveless marriage and abused kids. Stop the cycle from continuing – start choosing YOU and YOUR happiness in life, rather than false ideas of ‘loyalty’. The truth is, we were taught how to have unhealthy relationships, co-dependent relationships because our parents didnt love themselves or have hobbies. So we have repeated this behaviour throughout our lives with others. Let’s STOP doing this NOW by focusing on ourselves, leaving relationships that are unhealthy, and knowing that our lives are going to work out for the best, and eventually we will end up with the right person, not out of fear of being alone, but from a mutual love for life.

Reply when you can,

Cat

** I sent a follow up email later that day**

Dear [sisters name],

After sending that email today, I feel like it might’ve come across as being really harsh – that wasn’t my intention at all.

At the moment I’m REALLY pushing myself to overcome apathy. It’s so easy for me to hide away, and let depression eat away at me, but I’ve been forcing myself to have faith in my life. Even though I hear ‘Awful’ in my head constantly, I’ve been trying to push through.

A lot to process and digest. I am really coming to terms with my upbringing and how that has changed how I see myself and others etc.
Please let me know if you hear the voices too.

Cat xx

**There has still been no reply from her, and it’s been a week**