Dear Anita:

I find it hard to communicate in person at times when speaking to people because I am tired of not being heard by my parents when I speak my voice. I think this has caused me to be a bit shy when speaking to other people because I’m not sure how they will react or whether they will be active listeners. When I try to explain things to my parents and express my feelings, it’s like they don’t hear the emotions and the underlying meaning behind the actions I do and they just see the stuff on the surface. I tend to express myself much clearer in writing rather than speaking to others, but I would like to learn how to be more assertive. However, I feel like there are some people like my parents who no matter how I say things or explain things will never step outside their views and the question is “How do I stop their negative views from influencing the person I want to be?”

I know that disengaging from people who harm me is a good idea and I have become more withdrawn from my parents. However, if I am in an argument with someone and it is going nowhere and just draining my energy “How do I disengage from it and also be considerate of the other person’s pain?” I was thinking something along the lines of “Sorry that you are feeling hurt. I’m sure we both made mistakes and I hope things will be better. But, let’s not waste our time and energy with anger. I wish you healing from your sorrow.”

Also I realize that there will be people who will try to drag me into their arguments, place their burdens on me or conform me to their expectations. I often hear people talking about the person they think I am and it makes me feel irritated that people who are strangers judge me and seem to think they know what is going on in my life or can figure out my personality. People change over time and I feel like I have grown and learned much throughout the years and at times I just want to spend three months (longest that I’ll go currently because I have college courses to take) just away from the judgments of other people. I have been going to spiritual cleansings and retreats in my spare time to ground myself from any negative energy I happen to pick up from my environment. However, it seems the more I want to disengage from people who don’t serve me well in life, the more they want to associate with me. There are people who see that I am working my way to living a life that is truly my own and working on being happy and they aren’t happy themselves so they try to tell me all their troubles thinking I can help them. I have started to learn reiki healing and it helps heal and clear my energies and I think this has caused many other people who know I can heal to press me to teach them or heal them. I am still in the learning process and I need a break and although I don’t want to be inconsiderate I can’t help but turn most of them away. I feel a mix of guilt and irritation when I do that. Another thing is there will be people who expect me to get all the resources for them and have me map out everything for them because they are too lazy to do it themselves or say they don’t know how to and aren’t willing to learn how to when I try my best to guide them. The question is “How do I know who the people in my life who truly care about me are from the people who just want to take my time?”

“How do I remove myself from conversations that make me feel uncomfortable or tell someone that I have changed and their view of me is just the surface without seeming to be rude?” I have met people who will still see me as the person I used to be, a smart woman who is hard-working, healthy and seems to be perfect, but that’s only on the surface and that was the person I used to be. Now, I am still recovering from anorexia, depression, struggling with gender dysphoria and know for certain I’m going to make a medical transition to become a male (I feel happier and more comfortable as a male) later in life. My former self is only a shadow of who I once was and I am working on removing the shadow and stepping into the light of my true self. My therapist told me that I can’t live my life doing what other people tell me to in the hopes of keeping them happy while I hurt and hide because I wouldn’t be truly living. Also she said that it really isn’t anyone’s business when people will ask uncomfortable questions like “Are you a boy or girl?” or just assume “You can tell by looking or from previous experience and how others refer to them.” However, my parents are not accepting of my gender expression, so of course their views would contradict what I feel about myself on the inside. But my parents have never been open-minded to the faults of others and never seem to see beyond the surface to see that every individual is a human being and there is a reason behind every action and feeling. Going back to my therapist, even though she did say that it isn’t anybody’s business to know the changes you are going through, I still feel dysphoria when people I once knew meet me and they assume that I am the same person they knew over the years when I’ve changed much. When I correct them by saying “Sorry, but I no longer fit into the gender binary.  Please refer to me with gender neutral terms”, they either ignore me, change the topic (my parents often do both or they will override my voice with their voice and not listen) or they say things that may be hurtful or embarrassing like “I thought transgender and nonbinary people had to undergo medical transitioning before they establish their identity.” however, that is not the case, many transgender and nonbinary people need the financial resources and some time in therapy before they make the transition and most of them socially transition first.  Most will wear clothes of the gender they identify with and adopt practices of the other gender as well as telling other people what they prefer to go by and this social transition is often the first step. The cost of this social transition is not physical as in it doesn’t require money, but it is emotional because many people lose their friends’ and families’ supports. I wish there was an easier way of explaining to people who once knew me about how people change without incurring the embarrassment. There will be times when I will just ignore people who do that, but as they carry on with their conversations about who they think I am, my inner critic will think since I’m not correcting them, i’m not strong enough to defend myself and I’m not valid being the person I identify as. My inner critic also gets most of its comments from my parents who are always making me feel invalidated one way or another. They tend to compare my achievements with my brother and they have always believed he has achieved much more in life and is because he is in computer science career. also my parents are Asian and many cultural stereotypes play a role. Asian families believe that children should be loyal to family traditions and the male should be the one who gets high career positions. I also did a research on how Asian culture views LGBT people and I looked specifically at transgender people and learned that there are 4 million transgender people near Beijing that are in the closet and 43% of them are oppressed by their community, only 6% have access to therapy and 1% have the financial needs for medical transitioning. In fact, transgender people have the highest risk of suicide in the LGBT community with 40% higher risk. I have stopped trying to get my parents to understand who I am because i’m not sure i can make them understand. However, while I am getting resources and working on understanding myself better I need to find ways to dissociate from the inner critic who seems to come up at any turn when the opportunity arises. I don’t want to isolate myself from everyone, but these days I feel like I need to work on finding out who is really there for me and will help me. I need to work on learning to express my voice in person and talk without being suppressed, but I’m not sure how currently. I realize I want to be true to myself and remove the expectations of others. Lately, I have been meditating for an hour at times to clear my mind and relax. During the times I’m meditating, I start to focus on who I was told to be and who I am and lately I feel like the lines between the two selves are not as blurred as they used to be. I am still establishing my confidence and sometimes the negative remarks of others will shake me and I have to reestablish myself. I wonder if there is a way to shield myself from the negativity of others without trying to become isolated. Is there a way I can listen to the pain of others and sympathize without taking it on as my own? What about if people are angry at me and I don’t want to be a part of the fight, how do I make it seem like i’m not acceding to their demands, but just removing myself from the situation? Sometimes people like my parents who are angry will rant on and on and they will bring about every flaw that they can think of and use it against me, but they allow their emotions to cloud their reasoning and i know that i don’t want to add fuel to their fire. during those times, it seems like if i try to explain things to them, they won’t hear it and if i remain silent they either think i’m not listening, acceding to their demands or being inconsiderate. how do i deal with an angry person without adding fuel to the flames, remove myself from the situation and protect my self-esteem?