Dear Anita:

I have started to not care about the negative criticisms of others. I am tired of being criticized and told that I am an impulsive person by my parents. I no longer reach out to them emotionally for help and their criticisms only irritate me to be more motivated in focusing on what I need most in my life. They can throw insults at me all they like, but they do not know the inner person I have become, so all they attack is a false shell of the person that I used to be. Thank you for being such a great person and providing advice that helps me have a clearer insight on my life’s path. Some questions I have are: What are good ways to release tension and ground myself when exposed to negativity?

How do I stop myself from picking up the negative energies of others who try to dump it on me?

I have told my parents that I will not tolerate or care about any negative criticisms they say. If they cannot be open-minded and see beyond the surface or educate themselves on certain things, then it’s their loss as they will remain in their close-minded rationality. I will change myself for the better and listen to my heart when deciding what decisions to make.

I visited my therapist yesterday at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital in Somerset and she told me that I should stop comparing myself to the expectations of others. I remember you asked me what negative parts I was suppressing and I wasn’t sure how to respond, but talking with my therapist helped clarify it. The reason I struggle with anorexia is that I am trying to suppress my insecurities with my body because I have been following societal stereotypes that males should be skinny and muscular. So I feel like controlling my body by being anorexic makes me more masculine and also hides the insecurities I have. One insecurity I have is that I am not strong enough to be a male and this results in me feeling anxious if I miss a day of exercise because I fear I’ll lose muscle mass. My inner critic often tells me that I should do more, learn more and possibly I’ll fit better into a male role. I know my inner critic comes from my parents who dislike my gender expression and believe that it makes me make irresponsibe decisions as well as the fact that I don’t know anything of the real world and don’t know how to be self-reliant which is important in being a male. I am working on letting go of the body shaming of gender and also the cultural stereotypes of gender my parents try to put on me. It takes time because it is hard to expose the pain to the light when I want to hide it. But hiding it makes it bury deeper and when the inner critic is triggered it’s much worse. A question is “How do I stop acquiring more stereotypes about who I should be?”

I know I am coming closer to the real me, but there is healing that I need. “How do I shield myself and my fragile self-esteem from being hurt?”

My parents are not happy with me seeking resources to help me with my gender dysphoria because they criticized me today about driving out to do something that was a waste of time. They don’t like the fact I go to a therapist, so I often tell them that I went on a class trip or job application. But they don’t like hearing that because it isn’t the truth, but if I tell them the truth, they get mad as well. I told them that I need to do what makes me happy and not worry about what others expect because through my happiness I can help others. One cannot help others if they are sad and not living their life. My therapist says that I cannot help others if I’m not happy with myself and sometimes I will lose people as I work on finding myself, but life is meant to be lived and not following the expectations of others.