Dearest Anita,

I hope this message finds you well. Every time I come on the forums I spend a couple minutes checking to see how many other posts you have been the last person to reply on (always a lot). Keep up the good work. Your words and support really mean a lot to the people who don’t hear mindfulness and encouragement often. I have found your consistency very reassuring and calming, so thank you.

I think I’m ready to reply to some of your earlier messages now (one’s you sent to me during my breakdown). My heart hurts a little thinking about acknowledging them, but far far less than it did at the time.

In response to your first message after my breakdown:

Yes – the breakdown happened, and there was nothing I could’ve done to make that week go differently. I feel like I am so aware of my thought processes, and the night when I was supposed to go to sleep, and Noel didn’t want to come to the gig with me – and I chose to go to the gig, instead of being rational and getting sleep – I can only put that down to me carrying out a habit. Of saying “Fuck it”. Putting on my fishnets, make up, wild hair, and throwing life up in the air. Something I’ve done ALOT in the past (aka nearly marrying Clarence the coke addict in Chicago). My brain has done it so much throughout my life, it’s been my rock and roll lifestyle (live fast, love hard) – but I hope now I can work towards a point where I can still have my punk lifestyle but without the breakdowns, drama and trauma etc. Hopefully being in a band will help with this. I tend to express emotion by going to gigs, drinking a lot and letting loose. In the future I plan to remain sober and channel my emotions through music and dramatics.

Again, drinking constantly, and days after that – not eating and focusing on things other than myself – must be down to me repeating the habit of doing that. I know a lot of ‘scum punks’ (mainly guys) who do that, as a statement of, “I don’t care/ my lack of respect for myself reflects the lack of respect capitalism has for the world” etc etc. (something i might elaborate more on at some point).

Attacking the girl – never attacked someone like that before. I wasn’t jealous at all that night. It was just a moment where we were outside. She had been talking a lot to Noel outside, and hadn’t spoken to me at all. He talked to her more than he talked to me that night, but he did come up to me and hold my hand and kiss me on the forehead. Everytime I looked at Noel, he kept looking at her. He did this 4 times. I said “don’t do it” because it was triggering me – as I thought he was sexualising her or flirting with her. He didn’t even hear me, so I had to leave the situation. I sat by a door, and when Noel, her and our other friend came to find me, I was overwhelmed with emotion, didn’t know how to process, and then attacked her and ran away.

I can see from their perspective I looked just like a violent person. But the truth is, at the time, I felt emotionally stabbed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out. It was so awful. I felt like I was defending myself from what, I saw, as emotional betrayal, humiliation etc. It was the worst feeling ever. Whether this was a paranoid delusion or not, I still and probably will never know.

I was distraught for 2 weeks, not eating etc. Tried apologising to everyone so many times, but to no avail. The day after it all happened I went to Noel’s house to apologise. I still hadn’t eaten and was sat on his drive crying. His housemate opened the door and asked me to come in, but I said no because Noel didn’t want me there. She asked 3 times, and eventually I went in and sat outside Noel’s door. He wouldn’t answer the door. I was crying so much. He said that I’d hurt him as well. It was all so upsetting. He wouldn’t answer the door, but I said I was sorry. He said that he finds it easy to speak to the girl (that I attacked) because she’s anxious like him etc. It was heartbreaking for me because I did so much for him and his confidence, and yet he never gives me that credit or attention that I deserved, and didn’t feel like he could do that with me (even though I’d gone to lengths to make him feel comfortable) – and all because I’m a confident person who doesn’t have anxiety.

I was like a little girl sat outside his door. Not angry at all. Just confused and heartbroken. He never answered the door so I left.

It was emotionally intense for me, I got fixated (again, a habit), focused on them, and went through the motions of despair, anger, etc etc.

When I eventually spoke to Noel on the phone. He allowed me to read through 2 long email essays of how much I loved him, and his importance in my life. After that, he was just like ‘I only called to say I needed space. I’m not even staying in my own house’. I felt like he was saying he was scared of me, when the reality is, I was just a distraught girl having a breakdown. I said this and that it was his anxiety, and then he asked me about how much I talk in a conversation compared to him (this has never been a problem before, as we both talk openly to each other), he then had a go at me and said that I talk more (I think he was comparing me to the girl I attacked). Again, really heartbreaking for me.

**By the way – a day before this all happened, i was talking to Noel on the phone and was smiling because I said “When I talk to you, you just bloom” and he said “I know. And when you leave, I forget it. But talking to you makes me want to be in bloom all time”. We both said that we were in love with each other as well.**

He said in our last phonecall, that it reduced his anxiety but that wasn’t the point. He then said he wanted to say how he felt, and I said I was listening. He then hung up the phone, and ended it with me coldly over facebook, and then blocked me.

SAfe to say, emotional dysregulation ensued. And now I’m not talking to many people of that group. They think I’m bad news, but truth is, they just can’t see things from my perspective.

I’ve left things now – with the last thing I said was that I’ll give everyone space, and at some point will email them with my diagnosis confirmation and an explanation.

I’m in two minds – because I feel like doing that is an attempt to explain my behaviour and where it came from etc, and at the same time, I did apologise so much and was distraught at the time etc. At points it seemed like Noel liked the fact I was begging and crying etc. And yeah, I don;t know. I’m not sure if they deserve more apologies and explanations if I’m honest!!

The whole thing was bad BUT I’ve learnt so much since then. I’ve learnt to focus on ME and direct energy towards me, and stop giving it away to other people so easily!! Especially when I think they’re amazing people, but then they bail when things get hard. MASSIVE lesson learnt.

I know it’s weird, but I’ve actually benefitted from this situation (as bad as that sounds). But I really have. I’ve been woken up to what I’m living for (which seemed to be others acceptance), and literally chose to live fro ME.  Etc.

I’m just going to do me and be myself. I can’t please everyone in life, but what’s the point in spending time trying to win people over? I know that I’m a good, honest, spiritual, loving, caring person, and I know that I’m the punk chick with confience, and I know that I’m meant to use both of those things together to try and make a difference in this world. I can’t afford to lose all that, by valuing myself based on the judgements of others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Cat.