Dear Anita,

Yes it is. I didn’t want to think about it too much, because at the moment it’s something I HAVE to do in order to pay back my debt…. Being off work, and spending time out and being undecided meant that I could only survive through that time by extending my overdraft.. But at least I moved to Bristol in that time!! And I have made progress 🙂 I do the long days only 10 times a month, with days off etc. So I am living for the days off really.

It’s my day off today. It takes me a while to feel awake… A few coffee’s, music etc. It’s 3pm and I’m still in my pjs, but am doing my therapy homework with music on…. Self analysing where this lack of motivation comes from/ lack of self esteem etc etc. I am trying to do my therapy homework in depth and send it off end of today, right now I am writing this and also doing bits and bobs at a time around the house.

With the activity log I was telling you about – the ratings of Achievement: 0-10, Closeness with others 0-10, Enjoyment 0-10 etc. I was thinking of proposing that we could change the scorings to things like ‘self-actualization’, ‘self-esteem’ etc. As those are things I find the hardest I think.

I was at work the other day, out at a meal with the people we support. I went outside for a cigarette and I had an overwhelming sense of grief, guilt and confusion about my family situation. Sometimes it’s so hard, I look to the sky for answers. If I’m honest, sometimes it’s is only knowing that I can come on here and tell you about this/ talk to you about it, that brings me a sense of salvation from that feeling. As I know that there is a t least one person who can understand and relate to me.

Also, I was in bed the other night, and realised that recently I have been forgetting gratitude for my life. And also that maybe it’s not my life or myself that is the problem, but how I relate to my life and myself that needs to change. These are the things I have been thinking about the past couple of days.

Cat