Dear Lily:

Not a problem, that you didn’t post for a while. Whenever you post is fine with me. I hope the new therapist works out for you.

You wrote that the self critical thoughts happen when you “make a mistake, act weird or somebody makes a negative comment about me, or when I stand out in a bad way”- good observation. This critical voice aka the inner critic is observing us and quick to comment, it is like the critical parent we had only it is always with us watching, listening and commenting.

You wrote that you noticed it “sometimes when I do tasks that don’t require too much concentration (like cleaning up, running errands etc.)”- another good observation. When focused on a task, like listening to the teacher during class at Uni, the inner critic is not active, something else is  occupying your attention. When you do something that doesn’t require attention, the mind is free to wonder and the inner critic is taking over the wondering.

* This is where the practice of Mindfulness is useful, to do those things like cleaning up mindfully, paying attention to every part of it, so the mind wonders less.

Reads to me that the colleague who made the comment about you was indeed passive aggressive, unkind, of course. He shouldn’t have. Sure he was distressed about something, but he shouldn’t have targeted you. Likely he feels uncomfortable about confronting who he really is angry about for fear of a negative consequence to him (maybe his boss, maybe his wife), so he targets someone he feels safe targeting (no negative consequence to him).

To feel even safer, he targets you indirectly, hence the passive part of passive-aggressive.

Some people when targeted this way will confront the one doing the targeting. Other people with a strong and active inner critic take on outside criticism such as this and keep it going and going, stirring it up, adding to it. This is what your inner critic did with the colleague’s criticism of you:

It told you: you are worthless! (“it made me feel so worthless”) You didn’t accomplish anything! You don’t communicate enough! (“Maybe I don’t communicate enough”) You came off as arrogant! You are spoiled! You don’t deserve therapy, others have it worse! Why didn’t you accomplish more in your life?

The inner critic kept you up at night with those accusations and abuse, and then it hit you on the head with a cutting board.

I know that kind of inner critic very well myself. I wish I didn’t but I do. Lived with it for decades and am in the process of … no longer living with it. It is possible and I am experiencing it, living without that self abuse. It does take the noticing and then, it takes more.

Self abuse, a critical and abusive inner critic, is unfortunately very common. Keep noticing, look into and practice mindfulness, pursue that therapy, keep  posting here anytime you’d like.

anita