Hello Mark,

thank you for your reply!

I’m not sure if I want to go back to therapy. Therapy with my old therapist is over, I think. I haven’t heard from her since september and I’m unsure if I want to continue. It seemed like she didn’t want to go on. She said she couldn’t help me any more, only repeat what she already told me. I asked if she would like to end the therapy and she shrugged and said that this is up to me. Then she got sick. But I wish that there was a final talk maybe or a conclusion.

Maybe I should look for a new therapist. This was behaviour therapy, she suggested I try analytical therapy. I’m still undecided if I want this. I have doubts that it can help me.

As for doing things for myself, I wanted to go outside more. Long walks in nature usually make me feel calmer. I also wanted to try running again.

Also because at the moment I feel weird at the dormitory I live. It is nothing big, but I feel I behaved weirdly. Usually I say hello to everyone, but I’m only closer with one or two people. Some time ago I saw one of my flatmates and a friend of hers at the corridor and said hello and they said nothing back. I found it rude and maybe was a bit sulky. Then I said nothing to them for a few days. Later I saw her again and said hello, but she just looked at me and went into her room. And some time later I was in the kitchen doing my dishes when she said something (probably just hello) and I said “what?” in an irritated tone. Since then it has been very weird and I don’t know how to behave around her. I also feel weird around the others now.

It’s just one tiny thing and the problem is maybe that I think too much and I’m too emotional. I wish I could just get a thicker skin. I think my emotional reaction makes everything worse!

This is just one more reason to go out more. So my plan is to at least go out for a walk every day, go more to the library and meet with one of my friends to work on projects together. In the last time I spent too much time alone and I don’t think it’s good for me. I also want to write at least one application a week. So far I haven’t been succesful, but maybe I can go to the library to do that so I have less distraction.

Lily

Hello Mark,

My plan now is to find a job online tomorrow, then go to the library on saturday to start writing the application. Maybe if I write this down here it will help?

I think you’re right about the flatmate. I took things too personally. Maybe it had nothing to do with me. Sometimes I get angry over little things and my thoughts just go crazy. I overreact, I become whiny and I want to hurt myself, destroy myself… Nothing really serious happened, I didn’t say anything mean or really do anything to her, but maybe I was passive aggressive and whiny.

Speaking to her could be a good idea, but I don’t know if I can bring up the courage. I also don’t know if she would be interested in this… Maybe I could try to clear things up and explain myself? Say something like “I’m sorry if I acted weird lately. When you didn’t say hello back I was a bit taken aback and maybe took things too personally.” Or would that be weird? I’m also still not sure if I’m courageous enough to try that.

The easier option would be to just leave her alone, which is my instinct. Right now I feel like I want to hide and not see anyone from the dormitory. Maybe after a while things will get back to normal.

Interactions with other people are also a problem for me that I need to work on. I worry way too much about what other people think!

My therapist also suggested to try group therapy – a horrifying idea, but maybe it could help. I guess it’s time to do some uncomfortable things. But maybe find the job first.

Thanks for your advice again.

Lily

Hello Mark, hello Anita,

today I started writing an application. I gave myself an hour and I managed to write a few sentences. Not much, but better than before. So I want to try another hour tomorrow. Last time it helped announcing it here, so maybe it will work again. Hopefully, by the end of the week I will be able to send it off.

The situation with the therapist also made me feel bad. To be honest, I was a bit angry with her. But also disappointed in myself. I felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough.

I wish she would have been more direct. My feeling during therapy was also, that she was an o.K. therapist, but maybe not the best match for me.

It is true that I think too much about other people’s opinions and feelings instead of my own. We actually talked about this in therapy, but I haven’t really freed myself of that way of thinking. I’m just more conscious of it now. I think I’m aware of a lot of the problems I have, but I haven’t made much progress in changing things.

Maybe after all I should start looking for another therapist. But I feel unsure.

Lily

Hello Anita,

I managed to write for one hour again, but not much. Maybe next time I will try to write a little earlier in the day. Too often I distract myself and waste a lot of time. It has happened today. Sometimes I put my cable for internet access into my letter box, so I can’t use the internet too easily (I know, it’s probably a little weird). I think I will put it there every night from now on and hopefully I will become more productive then.

I’m not sure if I tried hard enough. I’m not very disciplined. Maybe for some days I can stick to a new habit, but then somehow I’m back to the old problems. Distracting myself through media is a big problem, it has been for years. When I waste a day in front of the computer, I feel bad about myself. Most of the time I don’t even enjoy it, while I’m at it.

But at least I felt a little better during the last days. In the weeks before I was really not in such a good place mentally. It really helped writing about it. Thank you and Mark for taking the time to read and reply!

About me and other people. I have never really been much of a people person. In school I was not very much liked, in my early twenties I thought I’m better off alone (I always had a few close friend though). Just in the more recent years I realized how important friends are for me. Luckily I have found a few very good ones in the city I currently live. I have one very close friend and some others I get along well with.

When I watch my friends I see that they have far less problems in setting boundaries and saying no. For example one friend and I were at an exhibition of our artwork, when one person asked us questions about the artwork, but in a sort of rude way. While my friend remained short-spoken I was answering his questions, trying to be friendly.

I like to be friendly to others. But of course you can’t be friendly to someone who mistreats you. With that ex I realized that he was treating me badly, but I also doubted my own judgement. It was such a crazy relationship, I’m still confused and ashamed of it…

In therapy we came to the conclusion that I should think more about what I want, instead about what others want. I’m seeing things a bit clearer now, but I still am not good at saying no or standing up for myself. Maybe it takes more time.

Lily

Hello Anita,

I think the problem with that man was, that I was doubting my own judgement. I felt that what was happening was not good and that it was an unhealthy relationship. So I tried to end it, but he always came back  like nothing serious had happened. And I opened my door for him because I felt guilty, I hoped we could talk things out and fix it. I wondered if I was the abusive one. The situation was very crazy.

If it is clear to me that someone is behaving rude, I think I would react differently. I feel confused just writing about it.

When I was a child I felt more like my problems at school (primary school until about the sixth grade) were hurtful to me. I remember once a child called me a “Missgeburt” which means a “creature born with severe birth defects” (I used wiktionary to help me translate). A teacher heard it and was shocked, but I told her that it is o.K. I think I didn’t want to be seen as a tell-tale?

I was probably an easy target because I was a crybaby and had weird glasses and clothes. Back than I thought people din’t like me because of the way I looked. (Now I like the way I look) Later I thought it was because of my character.

In my family things were also not perfect. I didn’t get along especially with my father and sister. I felt that I even hated them! My relationship with my mother and brother was more distanced. My brother is five years younger than me and we were not close until later. My mother, in my opinion was overstrained with household and the family. She also worked. And I think our family was not what she had imagined her family to be like.

A big thing between me and my parents was that they are very religious, but I wasn’t. Even as a young child having to go to church felt like a burden to me. Everything about religion felt like a duty and burden. As my father is a pastor it was especially difficult because “what would people say?”.  I felt like I was forced having to go to church, to bible studies, church choir, church youth group trips, having to go through confirmation… I did those things, but I passionately hated religion as a teeanager. I rebelled in secret throwing a bible away or watching horror movies…

They still give me religious books and calendars as presents. I guess they want the best for me, but what if I gifted them “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins, wouldn’t that be disrespectful?

But o.K., it’s not a big problem anymore. We mostly don’t talk about this any more. If their religion makes them happy, good for them. And for the most part, they leave me alone with it.

My relationship with my father and sister was difficult. For a long time my sister and I shared a room and we didn’t get along well. When we fought, my sister went to my father and he was always on her side (that’s how I remember it anyways and even my mother said that she was my father’s favorite). She also got on my nerves because I was her big “role model” and she wanted to do everything that I did. But I wanted to do things for myself, play by myself have a hobby that she wouldn’t pick up immediately. I was also a pretty difficult child I guess, clearly not a saint. I hit my siblings and insulted my parents and cursed like a sailor (I reread my diary from that time and felt pretty ashamed – I guess I was trying to be strong and confident – I thought being loud meant being strong – I didn’t want to be nice).

But back then I fought back. Even if it probably wasn’t in the best way. I don’t know when that changed?

My father and I didn’t get along at all. He is a very headstrong person,not very open-minded, but I also sense some sort of insecurity behind his display of strength? He used light physical punishment like spanking, slaps in the face or headslaps, nothing very serious, but I don’t think it’s good to do this to physically less strong children (or anyone). Also the things he said were hurtful. When he talked about my friend and I he once said “the two fatties” (I was only a bit chubby for a time around age 12). Or in my diary I wrote about an episode. I had accidently dropped eggs to the floor, then I didn’t clean them up properly. My sister told my father and he called me “the dumbest child”. I think you can make a child clean up their mess without resorting to insults. Not sure, I was surely not an easy child to deal with… But I felt like they only saw the bad in me, like I was the evil child or black sheep. Once I went to a doctor and the doctor later told my mother what a nice girl I was. My mother said that she doesn’t know how I usually am.

I didn’t really trust my parents and didn’t want to have anything to do with them when I was a child or teenager. Now we get along better. Especially my mother has changed a lot, she seems much happier with herself now. My father and I also get along better. I think it is also because I’m a bit more reasonable now. I surely was not very nice as well, insulting my parents or hitting them back.

But I feel like I’m back at pitying myself… I know others have it worse. And maybe I should focus more on the present?

Lily