Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a good time away from your computer.  I let myself savor some of the above terms, but not fully.  When I create space to do so, I appreciate and let it sink in that much deeper.  Here goes.

1) It is about calmly choosing, not being compelled

• to me this read as going with innate, versus “should.” It is picking the path that feels natural, versus the path that should be chosen.  It is allowing something to unfold versus forcing it to come undone..  On that note
• It is quite common for us to want another person to open up, or a situation to present itself – for things to unfold. Yet, often they do at their own time, which can be much “slower” than anticipated.  Thus we feel we can have a role in exposing the element.  This may be poking and prodding until we get our answer, a result, or most importantly “an authentic response.”
• Ironic that at an authentic response can not by nature be arrived at un-authentically — yet we still try we poke and prod
• The end result is never hastened in this way.  Nope. In fact it is most often inhibited, or lost, or worse destroyed
  • how interesting, to push something to go down the path you “want it to” does not make it go down that way at all.  In fact it may go the other way, or simply stand..still.

2) uncompromising authenticity, the real-thing.

• this journey of mine requires uncompromising authenticity.  to me this means being my true self, but first knowing my true self.  it is of utmost importance to understand who is truly me.  Given that my mother has had such a strong, pivotal, and central role in my psyche it is often hard to differentiate what is her and what is me.  Of course this can be delineated in small examples.  Do I even like that movie? Or do I like it because mom convinced us it was the best, and thus I feel I do?
  • Yet, this can become even more dangerous when it leads to self destruction.  Which it does on even a daily basis.
  • Not going home because it is not good use of “enjoying the weather” and instead spending time with colleagues.
    • this by definition shows that the definition of “enjoying” can vary from person to person, from day to day, and from time to time.  And that is okay.  I, and any other person, have the ability and right to define things for myself.  Whether it be what I enjoy, and how i enjoy it.
    • If in that moment it does not seem that the idea of socializing would be enjoyable, so be it.
  • This is self trust, this is self reliance, this is self protection
    • having the faith and confidence that what you choose for your own-self is fine, okay, and
      • If I choose based on what feels right to me, I can rest assured it is the correct decision. it always is.

3) equanimity, not force.

• I can’t say I have much experience with the term equanimity, but it sure does sound good. Even saying the word out loud has a sense of cool, calm, collectedness
• the dictionary defines it as: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper
  • I have this ability, we all have this ability. I’ll go as far as to say I often choose to over-write this state, and go to a much more “productive, important, and relevant” state – the state, and country of anxiety
  • Now why does the state of anxiety seem more “fitting?” Because it goes with the times.  Everything is a buzz, shouldn’t I be? Everyone is frenzied, shouldn’t I be? My mother is stressed, so of course I am.  This is a stressful time in my house, so of course I am anxious.  It is fitting to be so, isn’t it? I mean why wouldn’t I be if all that around me is such a way?
  • But what about when all around you Isn’t such a way? Does your relevant state change? No, unfortunately, I hate to break it to you – your state has become your natural state, your daily, your YOU.
  • So how to go back from here? To me this reads as, go back to the definition.  We have the ability for mental calmness, but we over-rode it with our big computer like brain for something far more productive and tuned in.  Yet, we tried it over and over, and no good came of it.  Unfortunately the off switch is broken though…
  • So If i go back to the definition, I see that this anxious state isn’t fitting at all now, is it? I tried it.  It didn’t work.  In fact, it caused more problems.  So perhaps I do not have to over ride my nice calm disposition (when it does arrive).
  • Perhaps the opposite of anxiety is not unproductive/lazy/uninterested.  The opposite of anxiety is calm.
    • And if I have the ability for calm, and equanimity (before I put my efforts into over-riding) than I can stick to it.  Stick to it.  Don’t press zoom or fast forward.  Stick to the normal speed, the normal path, the natural way, the calm way.  There is no where to go.  There is nothing to force.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.