Dear David:

You wrote, “while it was rare… it would always be an explosion out of nowhere and it could happen anywhere”-

It doesn’t matter that it was rare and it doesn’t matter that she was a incredible person otherwise. Explosive anger out of nowhere is damaging. Look what it  did to you: “I began to monitor my actions and words to prevent this from happening…it began to drive me insane… the amount of stress/anxiety I was feeling became overwhelming for me… I was walking on eggshells.. I couldn’t take it anymore”.

I had a mother like that, and I couldn’t take it anymore either. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t able, being a child, to end that relationship. The damage those explosions caused me has been lifetime.

You wrote, “I’m wondering if I had been more open, would things have been different?”- I suppose they would  have been worse. Naturally, instinctively, one closes off to danger (aggression does register as danger for any animal, including humans). I don’t think it is possible to  open up to danger.

The grief you feel, I hope you overcome this. Post again if you want to.

anita