Dear Anita,

I met a licensed psychotherapist yesterday.  I have thought about the idea of formal therapy with a licensed professional throughout my life.  There  were times I even went to visit a school counselor, or someone of that sort.  But it was always fleeting, and I did not really find it was something I wanted to commit to.

I feel I am at a point now where I have tremendous knowledge and insight (which is continuing to grow of course). Yet, I am at a road block, a plateau.  As you say, this here now is the real work.  With all I have done on my own, and the support of others around me (such as yourself), the next step is to possibly one day feel better.  I see that my road block is this – I have tremendous emotional pain that is repressed, and extreme difficulty releasing it.  In fact, I do not believe it can be released, as it has become my baseline state.  I hope over time, I can slowly begin to release.

I know we spoke about in the past about the concept of numbing.  And continuing certain patterns perpetuates the numbing.

I notice how when I talk about my last conversation with my mother – the hurtful things she says don’t make me sad.  Her words: when we found out we were having you, we should have had an abortion, makes others wince.  Yet, I say out loud, well that’s nothing – it’s been a lifetime of such.  But what I realize is that this is all painful, just not manifesting in the way of “sadness, tears, etc.” Oh how sometimes I hope it would.  I feel a release when I feel sad, or when I cry.  Instead my baseline is anxious, and fearful.

It is stuck like concrete.  As you say all of the years of having this defense mechanism, I no longer know how to just “feel.”

I found recently that I feel myself angry/annoyed when I see people experiencing joy easily.  What I mean is that, I was speaking to a close friend, who has a new relationship..  She was happy and exuberant and in love when she spoke about it.  I found after I felt worse, and uneasy..  I noticed that it is not that I am jealous of her relationship or anything about her life.  It is that  I am envious that she is able to enjoy this part of her life.  I too, recall having a wonderful beginning courtship with my husband – but I do not recall true joy.  I recall often thinking like the (TDW) the disney world example.  I feel envious that people can enjoy.  People can appreciate.  They can be excited and happy..  I can not.