Dear Anita,

Sometimes its essays, sometimes streams of consciousness.  Whatever it is – it is processing.

I like that you wrote to make it a habit to attend to my husband, I like even more that you stated to make it my first social priority.

This is key, as nothing was ever enough for my mother, we were never enough, her life was never enough. what everyone else had, however, was always more than enough.

so what is it that THEY had?

• if they were poor, they had contentment despite poverty, lucky them, more than enough
• if they had a big family, they were lucky to always have companions, more than enough
• if they were happy on their own, they were lucky enough not to feel lonely, more than enough
• if they had a husband who attended to them, they were lucky enough to be a priority for someone
• if they were divorced, but fine, they were lucky enough to be independent on their own

What they had was always more than enough.  But if we insert here here into any of those scenarios, suddenly the perspective changes.  She is unlucky in any of them, always.

Today, my biggest decision was when to go to the lake with my dog.  This doesn’t happen much as my days are much busier and filled with “decisions.” Like many people

But the difference is, unlike most people, this is out of habit.  This is out of being raised in a way that having down time without many decisions, is boring, sad, and lonely.  It is unlucky.

So today I actively sought out this disposition.  A perfect summer day where there are many activities.  The beach, and fairs, and nyc outings.  So much to do,  yet, I chose none of them.  I woke up at my usual early hour, and did some cleaning and organizing.  It was interesting because these things are usually dreaded tasks, performed under a time constraint.  But today my day was endless.  I observed.  I observed how this made me uncomfortable throughout the day.  The concept that the day was endless, up to me, and I chose it this way.  It felt unsettling.  But this goes along with what we spoke about yesterday, sit through the discomfort.  It is the fear that makes me run, continue to run.  Run into oblivion.

I recall lazy summer days during break as a child.  I recall how hard my mother would try to make sure my sister and I were never lonely.  Open up the phone book and make play dates.  Think about day trips, and events.  From the outside, this is thoughtful, and perhaps one range off normal.  But if I close my eyes, the energy is palpable.  It is a nervous energy, a worry.  Oh gosh will they be lonely.  Yes they will. The other people on the block, their kids all have each other activities and each other. What will mine do?

Sure, there was some truth,  I was left out in my neighborhood many times by the group of kids.  Yes, this did include an element of racism, subtle.  I was the only non-white child in the neighborhood, and this was before my town was as diverse and open minded as it is today.  So sure, that is sad, and unfortunate.  I often looked back at these memories and thought of that first.  Oh, that’s kinda sad that kids can be mean and leave others out, so my mom had to find ways for me to have fun.

The idea of a child all alone during the summer is not pleasing to anyone.

But there’s more to it now.  What I see now is that there was no protection.  See, the world can be bad, downright terrible.  It can be this way to good people and bad people alike.  So if something such as negative childhood experiences happen, it is the job of the parent to protect us.  It is no matter what.

My mother felt so hurt  by all this herself, she was in no condition to protect me. But – you know what.  It doesn’t matter.

If I am insulted in front of my (make believe) child. Yes, I will be hurt and offended.  If my child is left out, I will be even more hurt and offended.  But I will be sure that my child doesn’t believe that the world is always like this.  That this is in indication of the world being a sad and bad place, and that people do this.  No, that is my job to make sure she doesn’t think this.

Quite the opposite.

So back to summer.  I recall so much deliberation about plans.  I recall playing with a friend Elise until high school.  I remember when I was 12 years old or so, her family was doing a day trip to a theme park.  My mother had called them earlier that week and asked if I could join.  The mother had stated something along the lines of sorry it’s a family day.

My mother was hurt, she says to me later that week, look at these American people.  They don’t like to invite others.  See they’re enjoying but what difference would it make if you would go along, we would pay and everything of course.

It made me sad, it made me feel like others don’t need us – but we need them.

Wow – A theme of life (my life)

Others don’t need us – but we need them. 

I’ll have to let this one sink in.  What a sad, pathetic, and desperate way to live…