Dear Anita,

I read also these blog posts about children raised by narcissists.  I was careful, as public blogs like these can be, what’s the term – all over the place, and not something I usually like to get too involved in.  It is kind of like social media.

Anyway, there was a sub thread for Indian children raised by narcissists.  And some of these stories were jaw dropping.  It almost felt like I wrote some of them myself.  Now given that Indian culture does consist  of many unhappy mothers whose sole existence is to be a mother, and their entire self worth is based on what their kids do, and how it looks in society.  Yes, it does go to the extreme sometimes and I do believe NPD may be quite prevalent.  What seems like a mother just being an Indian mom, could be in many ways a true disorder.  I know it is in my case.

I remember my mother would tell us that our aunt (dad’s sister in law) in India was crazy and unstable.  If she didn’t get her way she would stand in front of the stove and threaten to light her self on fire.

Imagine, our mom is telling us this – but SHE herself has the same types of characteristics! Oh how unbelievable.

So on this blog, a 16 year old was writing about how he was getting compared to a friend, and when he asked his mom why it was so important for him to be like his friend, she had an outburst.  First of all, so precocious of him to start seeing something was wrong with his mother early on.  At 16 I never did think such a think.

but at age 30 when I did start to understand, and asked my mother – why does having the engagement party the way you want it matter  so much, that it is causing me daily stress and headaches.  To which my mother cursed me for being weak, and against her.  Not being smart like other children who know whats good for the family.  Not having the intelligence and forward thinking and family values of other kids who know how to protect “their own.”

This is interesting to me, this is not uncommon among Indian mothers.  I will speak of my own though. The concept that others are smarter and will get ahead, and you will be left behind.  The concept that this kid got ahead because he was more clever than you, and you are foolish and ignorant because you don’t possess these qualities.  I recall a friend M, who had this boyfriend who did everything for her when we were in our 20s.  My mom knew about her.  This was after I had broken up with bf #1, and I was single.  My mom would say, see girls like M, they’re smart they know how to lure guys like that, and get their way, people like us, we don’t have that luck.

I believed it – some girls are smart, they know how to get good guys.  I don’t have that “ability.” Oh how sad, and I had this great guy for 7 years and I let him go, oh how worse.  Now what- I am doomed.  Not only do I not have the luck and ability to get a good guy like M did, I let go of what I DID have.  Key point in my head throughout my 20s. 

So back to the above, yes constantly.  We aren’t smart like those people, they get ahead, we are left behind. This haunts me to this day.  I see it. When I started getting really obsessive over this business stuff, I would see women on the internet, who had a good following, and think, look she’s “smart” she lured them all in even though she may not be authentic.  And look at me, authentic but not smart enough to do that – sigh.

I see here the theme, of intrinsic self doubt.  Intrinsically believing I am unlucky, and others will get ahead, and I will be left behind – for no other reason than luck, and not being clever enough to be like them.

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I remember my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary.  given that my mother’s family (who is here in the US, my dad’s side is mostly in India – his side is a whole other story). My mother’s family was always terrible and jealous of her.  They were also terrible to me as a child (I mentioned jealousy over how I looked vs my cousin).  Long story short, they all stuck together, and my family we were left out.  Often left out of family events such as christmas parties.  We were often lonely on holidays when we were younger because of this.

So my parent’s 25th anniversary comes around, and my whole family was invited.  This was during a time where my aunts and uncles had a better relationship with us, and we were seeing them regularly (it was always back and forth, love hate, but they all got together and enjoyed each other as though they were one big happy family).  While we were setting up at the restaurant.  We had printed pictures out of them to display.  My mom had made sure we did what everyone does.  Have nice pictures to display of us as a family.  She instructed my sister to let everyone know we were going to make it a surprise for them, but they had found out last minute.  She wanted everyone to know they were loved and important enough that it was a surprise party for them..