Anita thanks again for your words, after yesterday I think you are right about me feeling undeserving of empathy because of feeling guilty. This topic has come up with me in the past, and i know some of this has to do with my childhood, as well as internalized societal messages that people of color are guilty. I am overly cautious of every move i make out of fear i might somehow offend someone, therefore im quite and reserved to avoid any mistakes. This makes it near impossible to have fun with people most of the time.

Yesterday morning i was feeling pretty horrible, very depressed and lethargic. One of my friends who recently bought a house and married needed help moving some stuff so i spent most of the day helping move stuff. I discovered he and his wife have been trying to set me up with one of her friends. I expressed gratitude but told them i wouldn’t want to disappoint anybody. They proceeded to compliment me for which i realized today i have blocked out of mind and cant even remember what they complimented me on. This pretty much confirmed it for me that my sense of worthlessness of my self is deeply ingrained and really seeks to keep me safe by keeping me comfortably alone. How do i resolve this im not sure?

Later another friend invited me to a going away party for one of my cycling buddies. I knew about half the people there from working out. I noticed myself behaving in the same way when people try to care for me. My friend and his girlfriend asked how i was doing and i told them the truth that i hadn’t been doing great. They were very encouraging and even made sure to introduce me to some new people. I had a good time, but i still left with a profound sense of disappointment and loneliness. Disappointed that i struggle with letting people help me, and lonely because I don’t feel its realistic for anyone to fully accept my flaws.