Dear Anita,

yes parenting my infantile mother. Always.

Yes I do agree that she did not possess guilt. I do.  That’s the thing, she is devoid of appropriate emotion, by nature this is her pathology. She did know how to throw a good tantrum though. All tactics to get attention and pity. Power.

I believe that what I do is entirely different, it is more like it is a nervous energy that is expelled out of me.  I know this because when I am calm and have slept well, and I am in a good place, I am a great listener, I am able to talk without interrupting others, my energy is much more different. But when I am under stress, when the week has been hectic, there has been poor sleep I sound very frantic and frenzied, and this is how I feel inside.

In regards to my husband in particular, I have learned the concept of blurting out from my mother. It is not that I am doing exactly as she did, but I do find myself feeling infantile in this way. Of course it is nothing like her motives and her level of pathology. But similar to a child, speaking without regarding what is the opportune or appropriate scenario. Once again this is not always, but when I am full of distress or uneasy energy it is exhibited outwardly like this.

Perhaps related or unrelated, the concept of patience is very difficult for me. I never was raised with a good understanding of what patience is. I did not understand that patience is a virtue, nor was I taught that. On the contrary many people are, and as adults they do exhibit patience. Because I don’t have a great concept of patience, I often feel that it is OK to respond immediately, react immediately. I do not always sink and savor given that I don’t trust this ability in myself.  I often find that basic human characteristics such as these are lost on me, and my sister because of our observance of our parents. Our infantile pathologic parents that made it seem that reacting with angry outburst to the world, with negativity was an OK first response.   The fact that I have empathy, and I am a good friend is entirely different than anything that I have been taught. I do commend myself for that.

I would like to work on patience, I would like to better sink and say were. I took a nap after I last spoke to you and when I woke up the first thought that went into my mind is this:

Nothing bad happens when you stop and pause.

I often have a fear that if I am not doing, thinking, talking etc. that I am lacking. I am missing something. In order to fully live I must do, in order to fully be involved in something, I must overdue, overthink, over talk.   A day like today, which is a day off, alone, to able to go in and out of sleep, think, read, right. What did I miss? What was lost on me by doing – nothing

To do nothing is to be patient often. This is what I would like to work on