Dear Cat:

You wrote: “The not knowing who (Toby) really is part is killing me”. You copied his message to you the other day and I was impressed by how honest he was. This is the sentence out of his message that impressed me as honest: “I’m not willing enough to get better as you are”.

I am now re-visiting the message:

“I really hope this doesn’t come across as patronizing… as an excuse from a manipulator… I am not a liar”. Well, maybe he is patronizing, maybe he is a manipulator and maybe he is a liar, and these statements are lies meant to disarm the reader, facilitating the reader’s reception of his patronizing, manipulative lies.

Question: did you express to him a concern that he is patronizing, a manipulator and a liar or did he come up with these on his own?

“every positive thing I’ve said about you has been honest, as much as it might seem it hasn’t”. Question: did you express to him that you doubt the positive things he said to you or did he come up with his honesty seeming dishonest… on his own?

“this isn’t about me”- maybe it is. “I’m not fishing for compliments”- maybe he is. “I’m a lot of things but I am not a liar”- what are those lots of things (read like they are not good things)?

“You’ve seen glimmers of me outside.. my coping mechanism”- elaborate on these coping mechanisms that are responsible for others not seeing him as he is on the inside?

“you’re an incredible person, I feel so connected to you… you’re special and that’s a rare thing”- then why isn’t he trying to spend more and more time with this incredible, special and rare person to whom  he feels so connected?

Figuring who Toby is, if he is honest in this message takes knowing the context of the message, most important is whether he was reacting in it to your prior suggestions that he was patronizing, manipulating or lying. My questions above are questions you could have asked him, and maybe you still can, in the future (this is how you get to know him).

We can explore this if you want, waiting for your answers to some of the questions I asked.

anita