Dear Anita,

I am concerned about the smoke you are around.  You are in the NW united States I assume? Is there a location for you to go to that is further removed from breathing these particles? I do hope it clears up soon, I am here to chat about it if needed of course.

Thank you, the interview went well.  Not well because it was anything spectacular, but well because I am more “well.”

I discovered that most of my heart and brain were occupied by my mother, and the mother voice.  She took most of the real estate in me.  She of course “owned me” as an extension of her, we were one unit in her eyes.

So all of this real estate was occupied by her, by negativity, by her voice, by fear, by plain blockage.

How much depth there is for the human being to feel, to love, to have joy – the great depths of the mind and soul.  It is possible, if there is space.  I would search for this space in my 20s, search for it, and it wasn’t in me, no this space was occupied by the mother, and thus I would search for it outside of me (one more reason to seek outward, plus all that we have already spoken about).

Of course this space does not miraculously appear in me – mother is gone, so bam, there’s open flow back.  Of course not, but I do get glimpses of how SIMPLE, EASY, and FEARLESS moments in life can be if we can be truly immersed in it.  If we can walk down the block and really just walk.  If we can go to an interview, and simply speak about the job and observe.  Not have the majority of our self stuck to other ideas/notions that serve no purpose at that time.

That’s analogous to walking down the street with your eyes closed and wondering why the commute was so difficult and cumbersome.  Having your eyes closed by all the weight of your mother’s abuse and issues.

so then why not just open your eyes and walk? well first that was foreign, and second it felt impossible.  too easy! too simple! life must be more complex and complicated! it must be painstaking! if it isn’t it’s not living.

now i see that these mothers, their life is one big blob of nothingness.  they attempt to fill their void with hysteria, drama, and torture.  they attempt to create meaning by taking real estate in their innocent children, pushing their issues onto them, fixating on their daughters, on others.

but no, this space does not belong to them.  we are born on this earth of our own skin, blood, hearts, and brains. this space, our life, belong only to us.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.