Dear Cat:

Thank you for the kind words. Regarding the first part of your post, “I genuinely approach people with genuinity, understanding and kindness and do come across liars, bullies, game players”- here is the best approach as I see it: do approach people this way, but just approach, then wait, see what they do. If they seem to be decent, approach a bit more, being genuine, understanding and kind. Then wait. If you notice that the other person lies, or  you suspect he lied, pause. Do not proceed being genuine, kind etc. Ask questions, wait and learn.

If you conclude what you concluded her about Toby, exit the interaction, end contact. This way you don’t open expose yourself to unnecessary hurt and harm.

Remember that upon reading one of his messages to you I was under the impression that he is honest? That was a first impression. If I read that message twice, I would have noticed something less than honest. So got to take the time to get to know a person. Don’t take their words as the truth. If they talk long enough, their honesty will be revealed. Pay attention over time. And don’t get overly involved and invested before you get to know a man well enough.

“Why don’t people WANT to be nice… to be decent people??!” A lot of the time because they were nice and decent as children but were betrayed by their parents/ adults they trusted. There is always a reason, but your job is to approach with caution, learn, evaluate, proceed one step at a time.

Regarding projecting “an image on to (men)… decent, caring, reliable, understanding, boyish”, all but the boyish is what a child needs in a parent. As the young adult that you are, you still need these things that you didn’t get, a decent, caring, reliable and understanding parent, so you make believe a man is these things and therefore you will finally have what you needed.

How a woman views a man is a lot about what she needed and didn’t receive from a parent, plus the added sexual/ romantic element that is added to the psyche of the girl-turning woman.

“I’d like to think that if I am myself, and honest.. then the right person will see me and accept me”- this is what a child says to herself: if I will be good, then my parent will be good to me. A child doesn’t understand that her parent can be a bad person. So she tries and tries to be good, as if the parent/ man’s goodness is just waiting for your goodness to be expressed.

Regarding the message to Toby, it is a good exercise in you venting. But if you want to communicate effectively with people, to be clear to them, give them less of a reason to shut down before they get to the second paragraph, got to write/ say what is true but less,  and avoid the use of psychiatric terms, such as sociopath and sadist.

Here is my suggestion of editing (for future reference, to consider in future interactions with others):

It’s best for me if we don’t talk anymore. I’ve only ever been 100% and honest and real about everything and also upfront and straight up about what I wanted from this. As much as you kept saying you’re not a manipulator or a liar, I think it’s quite obvious that you are and also only out for your own personal interest or gain.

You pretend that you are a nice person, honest, genuine, passionate, deep, but you are not these things. You’re an intelligent person. It is a shame that you don’t use your intelligence to heal, but instead, you use it to create more hurt. You hurt me.

This is it, all that I would have sent to him.

anita