Sorry, I was recently robbed at gunpoint in my own home and completely forgot about this.

It takes a lot to make me want to give up. Doesn’t matter if it’s mundane tasks, chores, work or my relationship.

It could have something to do with my borderline personality disorder, I can’t manage my stress levels, I don’t even notice that I’m stressing, to me I just seem calm all the time.  After working in a very stressful restaurant for a year I began throwing up blood in the mornings and evenings. It turns out that my stomach acidity levels had risen to abnormal levels because of stress, and that was causing tissue damage up towards my throat.

It’s hard to know when to stop and take a break, when you don’t feel exhausted or stressed. But this also goes beyond the physical and into the psychological behaviour, I don’t like giving up. As long as I love my woman I will have hope that she will better herself someday in the future. And if not, it’s not the end of the world. Though it certainly makes me sad.

When I said  -“as long as I feel that there is still some hope, I wont give up. It keeps me alive..”  I meant it literally. I’ve lived a hard life, mostly been on my own since I was 16, my father left when I was 12 and my mother was stuck taking care of 6 children alone. With such a big family and being shy at that, I was quickly the target of bullying at my school, It got out of hand and in my second year everyone was bullying me, even the teachers. After 5 years it got to the point where I was expelled for being bullied, because it was easier to expel me instead of firing the teachers and having a talk with every kid in the school.

I moved to another city eventually, new school, new bullies. But this time I had enough, for the first time in my life I beat up another person. I instantly gained popularity and friends because of this.. And it lead to me becoming a gang leader of around 300 people for 3 years. After barely escaping several murder attempts at my life, I eventually said my goodbyes and left far up north, where I spent 15 years of my life, mostly alone. Watching people live their daily lives, watching life as it progressed.

This is where I began to change my life for the better, Where I found love in nature and building things, Where I began spending my time meditating and helping people, and not worry about my own life as much as I used to.

Without hope I would have given up and killed myself a long time ago. God knows, it was close once.