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Regarding Buddha eyes.

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  • #221585
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Hello Lord Hilarion,

    I do believe in mental illness and I do believe in prescription drugs. I wouldn’t be corresponding with you now without the latter. I would be dead. I take an awful lot of prescription medication for my various ailments. And I take anti-rejection drugs. So for me, prescription drugs are absolutely vital. Oddly, codeine isn’t a drug I can get on prescription because my doctor won’t give it to me. So I cadge it from my neighbours instead. I will never give it up, because at times my life is so painful that codeine is the only thing that helps. I have osteoporosis, and codeine is the only thing that can touch it at times. It is also good for the mental anxiety I regularly suffer from. It is a great comfort at those times.  Feeling the warmth of it spreading through the body and easing tension is something I will never tire from. It makes my feel happy and content. That’s all I want from life. I have it under control at the moment, so it isn’t an issue. I am not popping 20 pills a day. It is more like 2, maybe 4. I don’t think that is a problem. I posit that for codeine to work effectively its use must be restricted or you lose the ‘hit’, as it were. It’s about finding a balance, like everything in life.

    You’ve been told you are Lord Hilarion. If that’s what you believe I have no problem with it. We can be who we want. We can believe what we want. At one time I believed I was Apollo, because at one point this year the Greek goddess Artemis was constantly sending signs to me. There was too much coincidence, and to be honest, I still don’t fully understand it all. About a year or two ago, I suddenly out of the blue and for no real reason started playing the harp. I picked it up very quickly. Like Apollo, I also only have one functioning eye. These things made me sincerely believe I was Apollo reincarnated. But now, in the cold light of day and with sober reasoning, I can see how utterly absurd such thoughts were, because they can easily be explained away as mental illness. I also had a strange dream a few years ago in which I was encouraged to read the Torah and leave all other books on their shelves. Was this also mental derangement? Or was it the Almighty? I have learned to adopt a sense of detachment to it all for the sake of my sanity.

    Best wishes,

    Tannhauser

    #221883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    I read your most recent post and am wondering how you are feeling these days, if you would like to share, that is.

    anita

    #221965
    Nirvair
    Participant

    Tannhauser: I’m sorry you feel this way, I hope your life gets better soon so you no longer need those pills.

    (And of course I know I’m not Hillarion, I’m me. I think you missed my point there.)

    Anita: How I’m feeling is..Complicated.

    I don’t necessarily see things as good or bad, everything happens for a reason.  Lately I’ve been kind of emotionless, been in a very stressful relationship with a person who just.. Can’t seem to be honest with me. It’s like I have to constantly force the truth out. As a result she has made this image of me in her head that I’m controlling, doesn’t let her see her friends or go outside to enjoy life. Even though I encourage her to do so.

    A broken relationship for sure, not sure how to fix it, sometimes it seems as if she doesn’t want it to be fixed. I’ve done a lot to work on my own flaws in the relationship.. But I feel like she doesn’t want to see her own flaws, and as such she can’t begin to work on them.

    Causes a lot of anxiety, stress, heartache.

    Apart from that, I’ve lost faith in humanity.. No matter where I turn my eyes, there’s vandalism, destruction, hate, racism and people hurting each other because of religious beliefs.  It’s quite overwhelming.

    Homelessness has increased in my country because of immigration politics that focus more on taking in immigrants that the government can’t even help anymore. With no focus on building affordable homes or setting up jobs. People are taking advantage of the situation and building 1 room apartments and setting the rent at 1000€ a month, it’s ridiculous. Students who go to university is forced to take these homes and pay the rent with student loans, they’ll be in-debt for the rest of their lives.

    Meanwhile people who just try to survive have no where to go. I don’t have a job myself, but I try to give to the homeless when I can. It’s heartbreaking to see life this way, and it’s only getting worse by the day.

    I suppose I could just say that I’m depressed, have constant anxiety attacks and feel like killing myself, put myself on medication and pretend like everything is fine. But that would be turning a blind eye to the real problem.  How I feel is a reflection of life around me. I just wish people would see that, so we could all begin helping each other feel better again.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Nirvair.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Nirvair.
    #221997
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    Good to read from you and hope to be reading more from you.

    Regarding your relationship, too bad that she blames you instead of looking at herself, evaluating what it is that she is doing wrong, what it is she can do better. Lots of relationships exist around this agreement between the parties: one is the Guilty One and the other is The Victim whose job is to see to it that this dynamic is maintained through years and even decades.

    It is unbelievable, yet true, the massive mismanagement and waste of resources, corruption, aggression, cruelty happening anywhere and everywhere in our human society. People watching the news tend to think: it happens over there, far away, there, not here! But it happens everywhere. We are all captives, really, of selfish, short sighted, and/ or corrupted politicians and policy makers and other people with money and power affecting our lives badly.

    It is mind boggling and yet, it is reality. So what do we do, people like us who are not  politicians, who do not have money, or much of it, what do we do?

    My answer is: live the best life that is available to me. Within this web of human waste and corruption and pockets of goodness, of honesty and kindness, there is a life for me. I remain aware of it all and dwell best I can in those oases of goodness.

    anita

    #222065
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    I thought this morning that my reply to you yesterday was not adequate, not in my mind. So I re-read all that you posted on this thread. First, I will rewrite some of what you shared (not in order), with quotes. Second, I will add my input to it, this very morning.

    You wrote that you had the Buddha figurine for eleven years, that you prefer to have it in the window. “I prefer to have it facing outward seeing as that’s the view I’d prefer if I was a figurine”. But as you look outward yourself, “No matter where I turn my eyes, there’s vandalism, destruction, hate, racism and people hurting each other.. It’s quite overwhelming… It’s heartbreaking to see life this way”

    It is important to you to not pretend “like everything is fine”, to not turn “a blind eye to the real problem”. It is important to you, for one, to point out the truth, that you “suffer from heavy depression, not because of an illness, but rather because I was abused as a child, my father would take out his aggressions on me”.

    You are in a “very stressful relationship… a broken relationship for sure” with a person who “can’t seem to be honest with me. It’s like I have to constantly force the truth out.. she doesn’t want to see her own flaws, and as such she can’t begin to work on them”. She accuses you of being controlling. This relationship causes you “a lot of anxiety, stress, heartache”.

    You wrote that every time you moved to a new place, the first morning you would hear “a huge rumble, followed by a blinding light. I walk up to the window and look out and there’s a huuuuge explosion in the distance that’s quickly coming closer“. In your recent post you wrote the problems you see (homelessness, immigration politics, greedy property owners charging extremely high rents, students in debt lifetime, etc.) “is only getting worse by the day“.

    You wrote: “With all the negativity and evil that seems to overwhelm the world right now, I had given up. I’ve not left my home for 2 years”.

    “I am very anxious, about my future in this world. I like certainty, and life only offers you one certainty”.

    You asked about the figurine: “Is it possible that the figurine sensed a negative presence in the room and calmed it?”

    My input: you highly value Truth. In my understanding of the Buddha, at least in its image in the Western World, its place in modern psychotherapy and literature, it is about Truth, about stripping all make-believe, all pretense, all convenient thinking from what we see, so that we can see the bare Truth underneath.

    For a person who holds Truth in such a high regard, your relationship is damaging to you, it is you compromising with what you value the most, the Truth. I am not referring to the truth of the spiritual -kind. I am referring to the practical truth of every day  life, specifically of the very relationship you are engaged in.

    I don’t think you are able to compromise with the truth, and the “negative presence” you referred to when asking if the Buddha figurine sensed it, is any compromise you are currently making with the truth, any pretense you are engaged in, in the context of your relationship, singular or plural.

    This is my main point to you today. A lesser important one is regarding the troubles in the world that you listed, and concluding that “life is getting worse by the day”. It is not true. Life was bad throughout history, injustice, cruelty.. it was always bad. It is not getting more bad. Life always offered just one certainty, never more.

    anita

     

    #222319
    Nirvair
    Participant

    You are absolutely right about me. There is nothing I value more than truth. But.. I also don’t like to give up, as long as I feel that there is still some hope, I wont give up. It keeps me alive..

    As for life, there has certainly been worse times in history than those we face right now. But it does feel like we’re escalating slowly towards something we might never have faced before as a species. Never before have we had the technology or capacity to do so much damage in so little time as we do now. A frightening thought that a single individual holds the power to end all life on the planet.

    Now more than ever before should we strive for peace, not conflict.  This is why I worry when I see conflict escalating in my own country.

    #222325
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    You wrote: “I won’t give up (hope). It keeps me alive”- what particular hope are you referring to; is it hope for your relationship becoming unbroken?

    Regarding technology, yes, I agree, of course, the ability of an individual or group of individual to practically destroy the world. Yes, that didn’t exist before nuclear capability. Technology makes it possible to cause many millions of people to die in a very short time. Without technology and with technology, each one of us will die, that doesn’t change.

    Interesting, for me, my situation this very morning: the air outside (and inside to a lesser extent) is thick with smoke, alarmingly so, I feel fear from time to time, a feeling of being trapped in smoke. It is not because of technology but because of fires north of me, the heat and lack of rain. Yes, destruction is always a possibility, the destruction of one’s life, whether it is a whole lot of people destroyed at once, or not.

    anita

     

    #223779
    Nirvair
    Participant

    Sorry, I was recently robbed at gunpoint in my own home and completely forgot about this.

    It takes a lot to make me want to give up. Doesn’t matter if it’s mundane tasks, chores, work or my relationship.

    It could have something to do with my borderline personality disorder, I can’t manage my stress levels, I don’t even notice that I’m stressing, to me I just seem calm all the time.  After working in a very stressful restaurant for a year I began throwing up blood in the mornings and evenings. It turns out that my stomach acidity levels had risen to abnormal levels because of stress, and that was causing tissue damage up towards my throat.

    It’s hard to know when to stop and take a break, when you don’t feel exhausted or stressed. But this also goes beyond the physical and into the psychological behaviour, I don’t like giving up. As long as I love my woman I will have hope that she will better herself someday in the future. And if not, it’s not the end of the world. Though it certainly makes me sad.

     

    When I said  -“as long as I feel that there is still some hope, I wont give up. It keeps me alive..”  I meant it literally. I’ve lived a hard life, mostly been on my own since I was 16, my father left when I was 12 and my mother was stuck taking care of 6 children alone. With such a big family and being shy at that, I was quickly the target of bullying at my school, It got out of hand and in my second year everyone was bullying me, even the teachers. After 5 years it got to the point where I was expelled for being bullied, because it was easier to expel me instead of firing the teachers and having a talk with every kid in the school.

    I moved to another city eventually, new school, new bullies. But this time I had enough, for the first time in my life I beat up another person. I instantly gained popularity and friends because of this.. And it lead to me becoming a gang leader of around 300 people for 3 years. After barely escaping several murder attempts at my life, I eventually said my goodbyes and left far up north, where I spent 15 years of my life, mostly alone. Watching people live their daily lives, watching life as it progressed.

    This is where I began to change my life for the better, Where I found love in nature and building things, Where I began spending my time meditating and helping people, and not worry about my own life as much as I used to.

    Without hope I would have given up and killed myself a long time ago. God knows, it was close once.

    #223785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    Robbed at gun point in your own home? I hope you install serious security measures so that it doesn’t happen again?!

    I am not able to read the rest of your post at this time. I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Please take good care of yourself and be as safe as you can be.

    anita

    #223787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #223793
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    This f*cking world stinks. I am sorry that such a horrible thing happened to you.

    Nirvair, you keep mentioning God. I personally no longer believe God exists. I think it is just a concept we invented to make us feel better. My own situation has become so unbearable that I have started to make plans to end my life. Not even the love I have for my family will mitigate this desire to end my suffering any longer. I am ready to take the steps necessary.

    This world is finished, and if people can’t see that, they are unconscious, trapped inside a half-life of materialism and social media.

    Best wishes to you.

     

     

    #223819
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    You shared that you were physically beaten by your father until you were 14. He left your mother and six children when you were 12 (?) You were bullied by students and teachers in school, eventually turning from a victim of bullying to “a gang leader of around 300 people for 3 years.. barely escaping several murder attempts at (your) life”.

    Next you left up north where you spent the last fifteen years, mostly alone. Up north is where you found “love in nature and building things… meditating and helping people” and you currently have a relationship with a woman.

    Very recently you were robbed at gunpoint in your own home. Will you elaborate on that event, what happened, were you injured, was the robber arrested, is it someone you knew?

    anita

     

    #224721
    Nirvair
    Participant

    I was robbed by a drug addict who needed a phone to get his drugs. He knocked on my door, I answered and he had this iPhone that he was told that I could unlock for him. When I told him that I couldn’t do that because I’ve never seen the phone before, he got agitated and asked me what I’m supposed to do about this then. I offered him to use my phone if he needed to call someone, but he told me that he needed a phone to keep.   I apologized and told him I can’t help him with that.. And that’s when he got really angry and pulled out a Beretta from his jacket.

    I value my life more than a phone, so I told him that he can have my phone. We walk into my home and I give him the phone, he then tells me that the things my brother does has consequences, he then took some prescription drugs that belonged to my brother and left.

    Contacted Police and un-linked my phone from everything. he was found an hour later by the police dogs, phone is at the police station in the same condition and I should be getting it back soon.

    Sadly some of my older friends found out what happened, and the guy has had a bad time ever since. At least they respected my wishes to let him live, but he did get a pretty nasty beating.

    #224787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nirvair:

    “At least they respected my wishes to let him live, but he did get a pretty nasty beating”- do you mean that your friends would have killed him if you didn’t express that you want him alive?

    anita

    #225387
    Nirvair
    Participant

    This guy has a very bad reputation, he tries to rob people on a weekly basis to feed his addictions, even the elderly. When my old gang friends heard what he had done to me, they wanted to execute him.

    The guy could have killed me in my home, or at least hurt me badly. But he didn’t. So when they told me that they were going to kill him, I said no. I don’t know if that was the right or wrong thing to do, maybe he’ll continue to feed his addiction by causing harm and suffering to other people, perhaps he’ll even kill someone, someday.

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