Hi Neil,

You are very welcome. This website is amazing. I’ve learned so much about myself here, so replying to you doesn’t come from an entirely unselfish place, to be honest.

Your insights on guilt are excellent! Recognizing that “little nugget of wisdom” within my guilt cycle is key I think, and what’s dangerous is when I ignore it, tell myself fictional stories to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty at all, or surround myself with “yes” people who tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth. I guess if I can fool other people then I’ve done nothing wrong, right? Ugh. Sadly, I’ve done this more than I care to admit.

I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting back into running/exercising, and I’m not just saying that; I’m a believer! I find that as I get older it gets exponentially more difficult to get fit again after taking a break, so no more breaks for me. So I do things like register early for community 10K races just to keep myself mentally and physically in the game. Outdoor exercise for a quick attitude adjustment is like magic, for me. Lap swimming as a cross training activity to running is also an idea if you have access to a pool.

I find alcohol somewhat tricky. I never drank it until I was a new mom and the ladies in my circle would periodically get together for a “girls night out” which always included some drinking. (I discovered early on what a ridiculous “lightweight” I am — 1-2 drinks tops). It’s fun and relaxes me for sure but ultimately makes me feel bad, both physically and mentally. I realized this during a period of my life when a family member was facing a serious illness that required surgeries, radiation, and a mountain of research on my part. The pain, uncertainty, and stress associated with this situation each seemed to double in size after a drink. (Not right away, though, but just after the buzz started to fade.) What I learned is that, for me, when I’m going through something tough, not feeling mentally sharp and physically good only makes things worse, takes my eye off the ball, and I lose my focus. I realize alcohol doesn’t affect others the way it affects me.

So, back to your situation. I think forgiving yourself is huge….no, actually, monumental. Feeling worthless and hating yourself will only keep you stuck in the wet cement. The people I admire most are the ones who have made mistakes but keep getting back up, keep trying to improve, to be better people. I guess I can relate to them much better than I can to all the “perfect” people out there. No one’s got it all figured out; this I know for sure. Each day we can only try our best to be better than we were the day before. (Omg, I guess I think I’m Tony Robbins now? That’s pretty nauseating.)

Thanks for the complement. I could never see counseling as a career for me though. Truthfully, that would be the blind leading the blind…lol.

B