Dear Anita,

How are you? Paris was incredible. a quick weekend, but wonderful.  It was truly a time to sink and savor, as that is the Parisian way, sink in and savor an espresso, baguette, cheese, wine, for hours on end – that is what they do.  It was nice to sit in peace and enjoy meals for once, and walk around and enjoy the weather

I often have trouble returning from such trips to the hustle and bustle of what is the American way.  It can be quite disillusioning, and makes you think – what is the point of it all?

Since my return, I have been able to observe many thoughts.   I have thought about how burdensome it is to go through all this. No, it is not a breakup, or an acute let down.  It is a lifetime burden of healing from trauma. Yes, I can say it is unfair.  I can not just focus on being an adult, my job, and new marriage – no I am burdened by the heavinesss of all of this in every second. it isn’t a situation, it is my life.

It is a heavy feeling, a numb heavy feeling, a numbness that hurts almost.   i am sure you have felt like this before. i certainly have many times in my life.  yet, this time i can make sense of it.  in a way this time i can say to myself – i have had trauma for 30 years, of course i am going to feel like this.  proceessing all of it.  truly grasping the depth of it all unravels in small pieces, unraveling as it wants to.  somedays feeling new things, others not.