Dear Anita,

Sorry let me rephrase, I think I was just trying to wrap my head around the concept.

I meant to say something along the lines of this. If I was to fully grasp the REALITY of what was my entire childhood up until adulthood, I would not be able to survive.  Our brains allow us to dissociate as a coping mechanism for survival.  That far after such, (at a time like now) when I am open to feeling – it is not merely a switch on.  I have been in disassociation mode my whole life in order to survive the wrath that is my mother – it was the only way that I could have made it out alive.  Thus, now when I seek to process and feel fully, it is not accessible immediately.  It is buried deep within years of storage, like the real estate my mom holds in me in many ways.  There is lots of baggage and trauma bottled up, tucked away, so that I could wake up every day, and make a functional life.

And here I am – saying I am ready – let me feel it – bring it on.  But it simply takes time.  It will unravel one by one.  New thoughts, new realizations, even new memories.  How often do I have an interaction in the present day, which reminds me of a true interaction with my mother years ago – that I had totally forgot, or did not see it with clarity.  Slowly but surely.

So today I had such an interaction that truly I felt was for a reason, it was quite eye opening.  I would like to share.

I am moving at the end of this month, and spending this weekend, selling items, packing, cleansing.  Out with the old, in with the new.

I put a few items up for sale, and a woman came by with an elderly frail lady.  It was her mother in law. The lady (J) was here to buy some drawers, but she saw I also had an abundant amount of women’s items, clothing, shoes, the like.  I told her they were also for sale, and great quality.  (I am looking to downsize and get rid of excess – remove what no longer serves me, physically and spiritually).

So the elderly women picked up an item gingerly, and tried it on.  I smiled, as it seemed the women had a taste for fashion even in her old frail state.  I then observed the following.  She would make faces of discontent and then look at her daughter in law.  She would speak (in Spanish which I can understand) and mumble things such as.  “oh too short.” “oh too long” “oh isn’t there anything for me.”

She then picked out about 25 items.  Her daughter stated she only had some cash on hand, and so she could only pick a few.  the elderly women had quite a sullen look on her face, and begrudgingly put things back.  She then went into the pile her DIL picked, and critiqued each piece.

I observed this all.  Not from the point of a seller, or someone that is marketing or even looking to make money.  But from the perspective of a daughter and mother (or in this case MIL). J chuckled and rolled her eyes a few times and looked at me and whispered, yup she is very particular and be difficult, and she smirked.

I thought about how odd the concept was for anyone was to walk in.  An 80 year old woman trying on the clothes of a 20-30 year old, and critiquing them, too long, too short, too heavy, too light, oh this doesn’t zip perfectly.

An outsider would think – well of course lady! i simply observed.

and then her daughter in law, just watching, and letting her do her thing, as though she was a child.  at the end picking an exorbitant amount of things, and pouting that her DIL didn’t have much money on hand.

Once again, J appeasing the lady telling her we would come back. The elderly lady wouldn’t accept it.  She continued to fawn over a dress that wasn’t in the pile.

I was getting tired so I said, politely – I think we have a good amount here for the price. We could always return to it.  And J reiterated they could come back

An hour later, I was emotionally drained! Of course I am more sensitive to such and not a mere observer, as i did have a difficult emotion sucking mother.  So it isn’t just me watching as an outsider. But wow – all of this for some clothes – imagine what else! The concept was clear, some people are just this way, it doesn’t matter if it is over a dress, or climbing a mountain – they do not see their own inflexibility, difficulty, and sheer ridiculousness.  The other party is expected to be patient and go along with it.  Of course they must!

Now these were strangers, and perhaps those 2 have a great relationship – good for them.  That is not my point.

I felt the painstaking ways, the emotional neediness, the attention, the me me me, and I wasn’t even involved.  After they left I felt like wow – I need a moment! Phew!

Interesting to observe such in the world, even when not in your own life.  It does exist a lot everywhere doesn’t it! Thought I would share.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.