Thank you for your thoughtful reply Anita. I think your description of escalation is accurate. When I’m sad I feel scared that there will be no one to care for me. The irony is that 4 different friends asked me to hangout yesterday and I declined all of them because I was feeling depressed. I did talk with one friend about it briefly over the phone though. I think the support is there for me because of the work I put in with my friendships. It’s just the one friend im describing that doesent listen is the friend I see the most because I live behind his house, so he frequently uses my space as an escape from his own life, which is fine, but it’s a one sided relationship and I and other friends of his, and his girlfriend bring up this character trait to him all the time but he does nothing about it. The fear there is that he controls my housing and is about to begin renting the house which I live behind, so I’m afraid of having new random neighbors, even though when I moved in he gave me his word he would be living in the house for at least 2 years and it hasn’t even been 6 months. I’m not terrified of having different neighbors, it’s just frustrating because that’s just another relationship I have to manage for the comfort of my living situation, and It shows me I can’t depend on anyone to keep their word. It’s sad too that whenever I confront my friend about anything he tries to walk away, he doesn’t want to hear any truth about himself no matter how it’s delivered. Which leaves me in a state of resentment that I still welcome him into my apt.

I think my depression is a combination of feeling as if I can’t depend on anyone and a recurring feeling of inferiority compared to my peers due to my difficulty being intimate with women. It’s been 3 1/2 years since I broke up with my first gf and I can’t see it happening that any other woman would ever love me, the frustrating part is that my female friends in particular are always telling me I’m a great guy etc. But those comments only make me feel worse about being alone because they feel like lies to me because I stay without intimacy in my life with no relief in sight. I was In a state of mind a couple weeks ago that I would be ok without an intimate romantic relationship, but the sadness, combined with sexual frustration is starting to take it’s toll on my confidence and motivation. I will try not to panic but I’m reaching a point where I haven’t felt unconditionally loved in so long that I don’t if it’s even possible outside myself.