Dear Romeo:

A boy’s relationship with his mother is a powerful, powerful thing. When you were a child, your mother was in pain. You “saw her crying and constant breakdowns”. Her pain went on for a long time, maybe still. You wrote: “My parents’ hard work and love for us  makes me feel like I really owe them a lot and someday I know I can repay them for what they have given me”.

You wrote in this thread that when you were a flight attendance, “my family was proud especially my mom. She would brag to all her friends about my job”

That was you repaying her: she was happy while bragging. The dream element in the “dream job” was mostly the old, old dream of making your mother happy.

You wrote: “I have this obsession of going back to this job when I’m studying because I want to feel belonged again” –

The child that you were did not feel that he belonged to his family, at least from the point his mother (more so than his father) fell into depression over a family betrayal. He was alone because his mother was not there for him, not beyond feeding him and taking care of other basic physical needs.

A child needs that recognition you mentioned, he needs his mother to notice him and express to him that she likes him for being himself, not for this or that particular work that he does. You wanted to make your mother happy so that she will recognize you, see you and like you for what you feel, what you value, what you care about.

This recognition, this belonging, is the love you did not experience as a child and still don’t. This lack is that “something missing” you mentioned in your earliest thread.

“I was never truly happy” you wrote, because of that something-missing in childhood and onward. You have been “always looking for ways to please everyone and in return receiving their love and affection”- looking for that love you did not yet experience. Or maybe you did as a baby or a very young boy and then lost.

There is no easy or quick solution to that something-missing. If you did attend the interview, you would still experience that lack. You didn’t attend the interview and you will still experience this lack.

At first, when you did not attend the interview, you experienced “a warm feeling and assurance… I was just so sure this is the right thing to do”. It reminds me of the great relief you felt when you finally ended your relationship. But then came the doubts about both, the relationship at that time (maybe still) and the interview.

To keep that “warm feeling and assurance”, it will take more than this or that choice. “I think the right thing to do is to listen to what my heart has to say”, you wrote in your most recent post.

Your heart has a lot to say, but you need help to figure out how to get to a place where your heart is satisfied. It is not this or that job that will satisfy your heart. Some jobs will be more compatible for your healing process, yes. But a healing process has to take place. Best place to start is competent psychotherapy or counseling for this very purpose: examine your childhood, see that young boy that you were, recognize him while another person (an empathetic, understanding therapist/counselor) is seeing and recognizing this boy as well.

anita