September 11, 2018 at 9:43 am #225195
Dear Tiny Buddha community,
I am currently facing a big change in my life. The big change is that I have decided to not go for my dream job which is being a flight attendant. Well, I used to be a flight attendant for a budgeted airline but I resigned my job to pursue my studies after working a year. I told myself that I would continue to pursue flight attendant again in a bigger airline after I am done studying. Fast forward to 5 years after, dealing with a loss of relationship and rejections from job applications. I was devastated. I cried to myself oftentimes but thankfully I have my family, friends and this site to support me throughout this hardship.
Now back to the topic, through this process of grieving. I found out a lot about myself. I found out that I was a people pleaser. Which I think is the main cause of this turmoil in my life and the reason why I am so affected by all these losses. When I was a flight attendant, I was really proud of myself because first my family was proud especially my mom. She would brag to all her friends about my job. My friends looked up to me and admire me because I get to travel to many places and have a really great salary. Of course I enjoyed my time there but of course there are things that I am not satisfied about the job as well. I mean who loves their job 100% right? I think the main reason why I really liked the job though is because of the recognition I get from the past because of this job.
That is why I have this obsession of going back to this job when I'm studying because I want to feel belonged again.I wanted to be that proud and confident person again. I wanted to go back to the past. The job became my identity. But I was not aware of this toxic relationship with my dream until today. I was chasing a mirage, the past to cover my sadness in life. After all these, it came to a point where the biggest airline Emirates held an interview in my country and they only come once a year. That was my No.1 choice of airline to go to. However, 2 nights before the interview I suddenly have the feeling in my hard that going for the interview was not right. It just felt not right. It wasn't fear that drives me against it but it was more of an assurance that I shouldnt go for it. That night, I firmly told myself to move on and go for other passions in my life which is health and fitness. It gave me a warm feeling and assurance even though I am moving into the unknown because I dont know where will this lead me. I was just so sure this is the right thing to do in my life right now.
So now I am grieving because part of my identity is lost, and sometimes my ego takes place telling me what are the what “ifs”. I should have gone for the interview. I should not give up.But I know this is part of the process towards something new in my life. Have anyone experienced such change in their life? Please share and if you have any opinion on this please do share as well. Thank you.September 11, 2018 at 10:09 am #225203
You wrote regarding your dream of working as a flight attendant: “I was not aware of this toxic relationship with my dream until today. I was chasing a mirage, the past to cover my sadness in life”.
Can you explain best you can what you mean by “toxic relationship with my dream”- what kind of a relationship, do you mean?
anitaSeptember 11, 2018 at 10:56 pm #225273
It is toxic because the motivation behind the dream was to please people. Making my parents feel proud. Getting the admiration from people around me. It wasn’t purely because I’m passionate about it. And I think I didn’t take the rejections so well it’s because I was desperate for it. Desperate for my life to be back it was again. So I think this is relationship is toxic because I am depending my life on this dream. I want to love myself again and I think the right thing to do is to listen to what my heart has to say.September 12, 2018 at 5:34 am #225289
A boy's relationship with his mother is a powerful, powerful thing. When you were a child, your mother was in pain. You “saw her crying and constant breakdowns”. Her pain went on for a long time, maybe still. You wrote: “My parents' hard work and love for us makes me feel like I really owe them a lot and someday I know I can repay them for what they have given me”.
You wrote in this thread that when you were a flight attendance, “my family was proud especially my mom. She would brag to all her friends about my job”
That was you repaying her: she was happy while bragging. The dream element in the “dream job” was mostly the old, old dream of making your mother happy.
You wrote: “I have this obsession of going back to this job when I'm studying because I want to feel belonged again” –
The child that you were did not feel that he belonged to his family, at least from the point his mother (more so than his father) fell into depression over a family betrayal. He was alone because his mother was not there for him, not beyond feeding him and taking care of other basic physical needs.
A child needs that recognition you mentioned, he needs his mother to notice him and express to him that she likes him for being himself, not for this or that particular work that he does. You wanted to make your mother happy so that she will recognize you, see you and like you for what you feel, what you value, what you care about.
This recognition, this belonging, is the love you did not experience as a child and still don't. This lack is that “something missing” you mentioned in your earliest thread.
“I was never truly happy” you wrote, because of that something-missing in childhood and onward. You have been “always looking for ways to please everyone and in return receiving their love and affection”- looking for that love you did not yet experience. Or maybe you did as a baby or a very young boy and then lost.
There is no easy or quick solution to that something-missing. If you did attend the interview, you would still experience that lack. You didn't attend the interview and you will still experience this lack.
At first, when you did not attend the interview, you experienced “a warm feeling and assurance… I was just so sure this is the right thing to do”. It reminds me of the great relief you felt when you finally ended your relationship. But then came the doubts about both, the relationship at that time (maybe still) and the interview.
To keep that “warm feeling and assurance”, it will take more than this or that choice. “I think the right thing to do is to listen to what my heart has to say”, you wrote in your most recent post.
Your heart has a lot to say, but you need help to figure out how to get to a place where your heart is satisfied. It is not this or that job that will satisfy your heart. Some jobs will be more compatible for your healing process, yes. But a healing process has to take place. Best place to start is competent psychotherapy or counseling for this very purpose: examine your childhood, see that young boy that you were, recognize him while another person (an empathetic, understanding therapist/counselor) is seeing and recognizing this boy as well.
anitaSeptember 12, 2018 at 8:49 am #225319
Thank you so much for taking your time and effort to refer to my previous posts. Really means alot. Your first paragraph about how my past links to my current state really touches my soul. I teared a little when I read it as it brought back the helpless feeling and my mother's past.
You wrote “This recognition, this belonging, is the love you did not experience as a child and still don't.” Yes, I believed I did not felt the recognition when I was a child although memories of it seemed blurry as I can't really remember my childhood clearly. My mom right now however is totally different than she was when I was a child. My mom and dad's debts are almost settled and they are more carefree now as we are older and more capable now. My mom has always been supportive in whatever I do and she shows more affection now. Things are getting better emotionally for my mom and dad. I told them about my decision about my job. They supported me. My mom even told me to do what I want, most importantly do not do it because of what others would think of you. So I think my childhood is what made me who I am now. Does it makes sense?
For that warm feeling and assurance, you wrote “It reminds me of the great relief you felt when you finally ended your relationship.” Yes it s the same feeling. I don't know how to describe it. It could be my intuition talking to me? You wrote ” But then came the doubts about both, the relationship at that time (maybe still) and interview”. Well, there were doubts of course for my relationship but it was for a short while for maybe about 2 to 3 months after. But I managed to pass that stage and right now is just grieving and missing her that is all. Never thought of going back to her. As for the interview, I am not sure if it applies the same.
Thank you for your suggestions to seek professional help. I will consider it. I did considered it before but it was merely just a thought as I think I could figure it out myself with time. Thank you Anita. Would love to hear from you soon about my latest observations.
Have a nice day 🙂
RomeoSeptember 12, 2018 at 10:34 am #225337
You are welcome and thank you for your nice wish for my day.
I am glad your parents, particularly your mother is doing better and is being supportive of you. Unfortunately our childhood years are called our Formative Years for a reason: most of the neuropathways in our brain are formed then, pathways related to the basic things we learn about ourselves and about other people. These pathways are loaded with strong emotions.
Generally, I am cautious about the term intuition. Sometimes it is clearly correct. At other times, we misunderstand the message behind our feelings. For example (again, this is in general),:we always feel a relief when we separate from a distressing situation, so the relief means we should have taken a break, but not necessarily that we shouldn't return to the situation and make it better.
You wrote that health and fitness is your passion, not being a flight attendant. I suppose then, that not attending that interview was a good choice. Do you have a plan to pursue a career in health and fitness?
anitaSeptember 13, 2018 at 7:07 am #225525
Indeed I agree that we need to be careful about intuition. But after going through the hardships of not listening to myself/intuition for my previous relationship. I feel like I am going through the same thing again with my job. That is why I strongly believe I should listen to this voice.
The thing is flight attendant was my passion until recently as I get to know more about myself deeply. I think this passion has caused me more harm than good in terms of emotional health. Does that make sense? Or maybe I was confused with passion and pleasing people which resulted in me liking the job. But health and fitness has always been my passion since even before flight attendant. I just did not pursue it as much due to lack of job prospects. As for now I am planning to save enough money to pursue my personal training license and see how it goes from there.
RomeoSeptember 13, 2018 at 7:37 am #225529
The more you “get to know more about (yourself) deeply”, the more reliable is your intuition. Knowing yourself is very powerful. If health and fitness has not been something your mother bragged about or encouraged, if it didn't bring you the recognition that flight attending did, then this passion comes from a place other than people pleasing.
It makes sense that you pursue it if there are ways for you to make adequate living pursuing it, that is a living that is good enough for you.