Dear Anita,

i an feeling tired this afternoon doing a commute to nyc, how are you.

About this girl – I will get back to you on her. Her wedding is next week, I won’t be spending much one on one time with her – but I am sure I will observe plenty. More on that sort of topic later.

I teresting you mentioned that we can not own another. I especially like your term deep respect. This is opposite of what my mother taught me. She did not teach me to respect differences as her or OUR Ways was superior. It was terrible planning a wedding with her, and given that I was brainwashed it led me to be quite controlling of my husband’s opinions. Just a year ago I would have said no that’s wrong or this is right. Or instead of saying that directly would have found myself upset and disappointed when things didn’t go the “right” way. What way is that?! The way my mother brainwashed me into thinking is right.

But the thing with mothers like these is – the goal posts are always moving. Nothing is ever enough. You said this quite early on over a year ago. All is done in vain, as it is like feeding a bottomless pit. If today X is the goal, tomorrow it’s Y. You achieve X and say look what I did! And she says oh X doesn’t mean much anyway – Y is what counts. So now you must chase the next thing. How exhausting, terrible, and down right abusive.

So today I am on the train right now – and I notice some tension just because. Why? Well it is baseline. So I scan through all the things I could be stressed about in this moment or evening. Wow couldn’t find much this time! Well that’s nice. I know it will take time and practice to alter the baseline completely. But I do notice changes. I notice today I am enjoying my own company. I am heading there solo to do some errands and I feel quite at peace for this alone time. Alone amongst a world of chaos in this city, yet solitude and peace nevertheless. I feel good in my skin. I feel happy with the individual I am. The maturity I have. The growth over just the last few months. I feel brave. I am strong. I am unique. I am healthy and whole – and learning every day.