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Dear Anita,
i am going to discuss some things today and feel free to converse when you’re free.
I have talked about how my mother is a narcissist. You and I don’t get too caught up in terms and diagnosis. As what is more important is the reality and pattern and spotting it. But for conversation sake we will call her a narcissist. An N.
Often children raised by an N develop some of these qualities. Now they aren’t qualities as a result of anger. No these are personality traits and tendencies. I have mentioned some of these to you before. Especially in regards to my husband. We have always discussed and brought it back to the roots. Such as TDW the Disney world example. It makes sense.
We also have talked about emotional numbness. And how sometimes anger is the only accessible emotion. I have learned a lot of suppressed emotions as well as unconscious suffering. Things that’s are difficult to think about in a tangible sense.
But – what if I have more than just N qualities or emotional numbness?
This weekend many events happened, and I do feel I am like my mother. Now I’ll get into those details once we talk more but I want to outline my thoughts. I am no different than my mother. In the ways she abused me mentally and emotionally battered me down. I did the same to my husband Anita. And this is objective not me feeling bad or sensitive today. I objectively did quite similar.
I know now my mother is not capable of true love for me. I don’t know if I am capable of true love either. I am a great friend. Supporter, talker, empath, all these things. But true selfless love for another. It feels quite foreign. In fact with that first boyfriend it was the same. It wa very much at the end he could not have enough love for 2 individuals. At a certain point I had to show authentic love too.
When it comes to my husband now I do not have authentic love and respect. Do I see it in other couples and recognize it- yes. And even understand it in theory. But it feels foreign in a way. And no this is not because of him, and not because he is the wrong guy. I know this is ME. I have always done or been this way in every relationship and I know I always would be with any future guy.
Pwrhaps Anita, I too, am not capable of true authentic love